Ive reached the point of feeling as if I'd been pushed into a corner. Ater years of pent-up anger, I lashed out, now I have no privacy. I am paying for my stupidity.

I wish I never could feel. It's the whole reason why I got into this mess to begin with. She knows I want an apology, she just doesn't want to give it. She knows I have mental problems now, she claims that she hopes Im okay. The school is trying to take me into a psych ward. Some say that what I'm going through is spiritual, some say it's mental, some say it's both. A lot of people in my grade know about my meltdown, but not the situation, they look upon me with pity.

With the way my life is right now, I wish I had gone through with my first attempt back in 2021. Out of all the billions of people in the world—Why? Why was he the catalyst that led me to who I am today? I can't bear this any longer. God, when will you take me in your arms and comfort me? All I crave is to be understood but the world refuses to listen to me. But you understand me, you understand my suffering. My soul yearns for you.

I may not pray as much as I used to, I may sin every single day, but you are the only reason why I keep moving forward. As long as I live and as long as I suffer, turn this life of mine into a love letter of your love. Take my suffering, use it to comfort others, comfort those who are struggling like me, make this life of mine bearable, and turn this suffering into something beautiful.

About that stay away agreement, the name of it is pretty straightforward: to stay away. On the paper I was made to sign, it said that I could not make direct or indirect contact with Jackie or Peter. They decided to add a new rule for me specifically by stating that if I did something as much as mention their names or the situation that unfolded, I would be disciplined. This rule not only applies on school premises, but it also applies on the internet. Currently, I am being heavily monitored on my social media accounts. But one thing I know is that they don't know of this blog. So I'm just gonna vent here lol.

I hate the way they handled the situation. I was told that I had no reason to be angry about what had been done to me because Jackie had "so many good things to say about me." Excuse me? You expect me to care that someone who almost drove me to the brink of suicide has so many alleged "good things" to say? It felt so condescending to hear that from a school administrator.

"I don't know why you're so angry if she isn't!" Did you even take the time to fully understand the situation to at least understand it? Did anyone even pay attention to what I said in the meltdown I had? All people took from it was the devil worship from freshman year and now I have literal people backing away from me at school (mostly those in her friend circle but still). Apparently, everyone else couldn't hear the part about how Peter changed my life but okay!

And don't even get me started with the whole reason why the school didn't even do anything about it. Since the scars that were caused were mental and not physical... I kid you not this lady with a blonde bob told me I should just "forgive and forget!" As if that wasn't what I was trying to do for a year?

The whole reason why I even had the idea to confront her was the school counselor! A week before she said something like "Have you tried talking to her about it" and I thought to myself: oh I could try that! She was there in the office with my mother and the damn police officer and I told this to her face! And she dares to say that I'm "obsessed" with the situation.

Well, the day I tried confronting Jackie I accidentally called her a female dog (and apologized, it's not hard to do) but eventually, we agreed to talk. Around my 7th period or so I felt this invisible force pushing me. I didn't even realize it was her until she spoke. So I tend not to look people in the eye when I speak (idk it makes me stutter a lot). She forced me to make direct eye contact with her and I tried explaining to her why I was so upset with her but I had no words to describe it at the moment. Then she said this: "Well, honestly, I don't know why you're so angry!" That just set me off. I told her that we could try talking another day but she insisted on talking about it at that very moment. I told her that I needed more time.

"You need more time? You need more time!?" She just kept repeating it. I walked off and as I was walking off I heard her say: "You need more time? Do you need more time? All you do is whine."

Well, that was what caused me to post that meltdown on Instagram. The next day after being sent to the office she was "worried for me" as if she wasn't complaining about how I "wanted to get in the way with her man"... Lovingly, nobody else but you wants Peter.

Don't even get me started with that one note! First of all, it was 3 weeks old. If it takes you that long to report what you see as a potential threat then I wouldn't even trust you with my damn life. The audacity to report that at the same time when I was at my lowest. All that did was make things worse for me mentally. If you claim to care so much about my mental well-being then don't report me? I already had things rough at home. These people don't care about mental health, they don't care when someone they know is just there, silently suffering. Nothing pisses me off more than people who claim to care about mental health but ostracize the mentally ill. It's all performative. Performative things piss me off, you either care or you don't. They handled this so horribly, that it makes me scared to even ask for help.

Okay, let me state that despite me not being well mentally, I DO NOT wish harm upon anyone else, anything I say about that is purely satirical!

So, now that we've got that out of the way I am very worried about the current state of my life at the moment. You see, my mother keeps on bickering about how my neighbors might be influencing my father into doing witchcraft. She keeps on talking about some weird tarot cards she found on the ground the other day and claims that the witches were the ones who put them there. Now, she talks about some weird, greenishly yellow water she found in some random container and thinks my father is doing some weird ritual. WHAT.

I heard my mom knocking at my door, I frantically got out and answered it. Turns out the police came for a wellness check on me. I was being too emotional on my Instagram stories that someone reported me to some hotline and now here I am in the counselor's office because they think im gonna hurt them. How lovely. Now the police are involved as well.

So yeah, I've been in the counselor for about an hour. The girl and the guy are getting involved as well.

April 22, 12:30

Suddenly I saw a screenshot about me saying that and realized that a little inside joke I had with a friend escalated this. But that was from ALMOST A MONTH AGO and it was on my close friends, so someone either heard me talking about how I would "kill Peter" for trying to make my friend get on her knees and tie his shoe or someone took a screenshot of my story where I was joking with my friend regarding it.

I was in the office, waiting to called. I was a nervous wreck, unable to type as I worked vigorously on my blog hoping that it would ease a bit of the tension. I messaged my confirmation teacher for comfort, asking if she would pray for me. Thats when I got called into the room. I saw that white lady, Mrs. Gonzales, Rodriguez, the police officer and most importantly—my mother.

They looked at me intently as they played what I said the night prior. I cried so much as they asked me what I meant by the psychosis and the scratches that I claimed were around my body for unknown reasons. I showed them the scar that was still visible on my left calf. Thats when there seemed to be a shift in the atmosphere. I told them about how I felt about God, and that was part of my distress. Instead of comfort, Gonzales looked at me and stated this:

"You went through all that because God was mad at you for not forgiving Jackie"

I was just dumbfounded. I turned to look at my mother and the police officer. They all agreed that my 6 month long psychosis was not a result of what Jackie had done to me, but a punishment from God. They just told me to move on. No comfort whatsoever. At home it wasn't any better. My mother now knew about my past in the occult. She forced me to read the bible as I cried, screaming at her, begging her to stop because she was making things worse for me. But she didnt listen at all.

TNo apology no nothing, the way I found out that she went to the office was because one of her friends told me about it. I have no idea if they took Peter as well.

I made a promise to forget about the girl but she went up to me and talked to me today what does this mean.

At around midnight Dad came home drunk. My brother was the one who let him in. He was so drunk he couldn't even walk and had to slide his entire body along the walls to move. He has been alone in the bedroom for the entire day. He only gets out unless it is for food or going to the restroom. My mom called him weak and such.

So: my mom is going to be the one to teach me how to drive. She says that my dad isn't going to teach me anytime soon. Later on, my mom went to where he was and told him that she would be the one to teach me from now on. My dad was livid, he asked why if he already taught me. Well, they were screaming at each other for a bit and I was sadly able to listen to what they were saying about me. It hurt.

He then went on a rant about how he isn't going to church anymore, stating that there were only hypocrites there. Then he stormed back to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him as he did. No, we didn't go to church today either.