When I told my confirmation teacher about my sexuality, there were many questions asked—If thats the case, what was it that you felt for that guy? I didnt know how to respond. Then the epiphany of it all: "May God heal you from your disordered desires."

Each time I hear even something remotely similar to this I cringe. Its like you're indirectly telling me that im broken in a way only divine intervention could fix and make me "whole". I personally do not see my sexuality as a flaw: I see it as a gift. Its not something God needs to "heal" from me, if that were the case then I would've been straight the moment I uttered my first prayer begging God to make me "normal."

By that I mean that it has allowed me to be more compassionate towards gay people in ways a straight person cannot, so in a way i know how it feels growing up an outcast. Its a common fact that one's sexuality changes the way they interact with the world—wether it be with peers or their very blood.

But oh my god. Don't get me started with the comments I would get.

"Don't call yourself gay! Don't let people know youre gay its gonna cause scandal!"

"Don't be proud of it! Its your cross to bear! You need God to heal you so you can be set free."

"You have potential, I can see you being a Saint."

Girl, be so for real. Ive been called a devil worshipper my whole life because people think im a witch, but to be fair I have been interested in metaphysical topics since a young age because my dream back then was to be a scholar on esotericism.

Oh and the supernatural stuff that tends to happen around me. Once I was goofing off with my friend and something fell off my nightstand. The item was placed dead center and to this day I have no idea why it fell because we were both outside the room.

And the weird precenses some of my friends claim to feel whenever they are near me. Or how last Easter I had a dream that Pope Francis died and woke up to the news of his death as I was getting ready for school, which made me go off the rails

And the journal, I definitely won't forget it for as long as I live. What was that about anyways? Why did my 5 year old self have the conviction to write it down as if it was the most important thing in the world. Oh! And how the door to the bathroom opened by itself infront of my eyes as I ate a banana.

What is my life? It's like that comment is meant to somehow make amends for this absurd thing I call life. What compells someone to say such things? How on earth would a thing like me somehow become a 'saint' despite me having no desire to be one. If you were to look at my current self you would most likely think: "Is she sane? Is this girl really worshipping the devil as her peers claim she is?"

And here's what has driven me crazy for these past years. This narrative that tells me that im not allowed to question why these things happen to me. I rarely ask (priests) why this is common occurence in my life because they default to "dont question it." For me that doesn't being any comfort but drives me to extreme lengths to find philosophical answers to it, so thats what im going to do.