yall something happened at church? more specifically in the restroom. I had to go, like really badly. i went everywhere to find a restroom to no avail... until i looked up and saw that glorious "restroom" sign near one of the doors

i ran in, spent like 10 minutes in there until i heard someone come in. i heard footsteps going towards the stall next to me, along with a cute 'sigh'. As I got out of the stall, i realized that no one was even there? Its weird, because if someone left then there wouldve been more noise because the door is veeery squeaky. So yeah... Church Ghost, the restroom ghost? idk

There's always gotta be some big exam before spring break starts. Every single time!

Not only do I have 3 tests, I have like 4 projects and one essay to complete by next week! What is frustrating is that half of these things are about things we haven't even learned yet! It gets worse, they ALWAYS do the tests on the final day before spring break just so we won't leave. Um so I don't know what to even start on? Because I also have to do CORRECTIONS! Overall, this week has been very stressful! I can't wait for spring break to start so I can finally breathe and not have to worry about the workload this stupid school gives...

Um so the dog came back?

What was he even doing during the past few days? How did he find his way back? What was he doing!? And why did he run away last Saturday!? I swear this dog is immortal... the last time something like this happened the dog never came back,in fact, a tornado took the dog away and I vividly remember him flying around like a fairy as he disappeared into the night sky.

No because what did the dog even do anyway? Did he just think "OH ima go explore a bit" and left for an entire week just to look around? My brother hates the dog! In fact, he wants the dog GONE because the dog scared the stray black cat that would chill on our porch. I miss her too tho, I wish she was here.Well there's nothing we can do now, the last time we saw her was a month ago when my dad brought the dog here. My dad thought the dog and the cat would be besties, but no, the dog would just bark at the stray cat and even chase her around to kill her.

What is she even doing?

She tries to pin me down! It’s scary! Who even is this girl and what does she want from me? Luckily I haven’t been experiencing sleep paralysis, feeling something pinning me down in my sleep would be horrifying.

So what she does is hug me, just giving physical affection and such, until she suddenly pulls a whole 180 and pins me down, looking down at me with pure hatred. Any attempt to break free from her grasp fails.

She keeps saying things.

” Why don’t you love me?”

” I know you want this”

Like girl bye, why are you being so cryptic, just get to the point!

This happens for what feels like hours, until she wraps her soft hands around my neck, and squeezes….

To be honest I think these dreams keep occurring because of my desire for physical affection… It makes sense looking back at my early years. Mom and Dad didn’t hug me often… They hug me now more than ever since the counselor called them back in October.

Senior year is approaching, I cannot believe it. I have now picked the classes that I will be doing next year. I know I said that I wanted to leave school, and fast! But now I don't want to, When I leave this brick prison I will probably end up under a bridge asking for someone's spare change. I think I should be here dealing with my peers...

I finally started working on my comfirmation teachers rosary! I got all the wire and beads, not the centerpiece tho, still working on that tho. I spent my whole day at school working on it. I managed to get half of it done today despite the heavy workload.

I wanted to show my mom my progress on it, so i went to the kitchen, she was there, with eyeliner. She looked at me for a while until she said something. "Come over here jenny." She then proceeded to put that thing near my eye, i asked her not to put that near my eye, she didn't listen!

"You are a girl! you should like this! Are you not a girl! let me use it on you! you'll look pretty!"

No, leave me alone, no means no!

She got a bit angry, so she forced me against the wall and even grabbed my by the arm to make sure i didn't run to my room! Once she was done she was alll like "You look so pretty!." I immediately took off the eyeliner, and this woman had the nerve to say...

"OH.. are you one of those?" I went to my room and sobbed

My mom wasnt here most of the day

She had to go into that big city again to go get her passport. It was gonna take a long time for her to get one there, as there is a long line, so she made me take care of my twin brothers and the house for the day. It wasn't that bad really, i let my twin brothers play on my switch, let them play outside, and we cleaned the house together! I thought this day was gonna be pretty stressful, but im not complaining.

Well, it was fine until our dog ran away. We have no idea where he went. I swear he was here just a couple minutes ago! Where did he go? Please don't tell me we lost him. This always happens with every dog we get, they always run away, or they just dissapear entirely! Anyway, we went searching for him, and no luck, i guess he is gone now :c

I have mixed feelings about my father

I haven't seen him in an entire week. The last time i saw him was on Sunday, I'm still kinda sad about it, i was hoping that we would d=go to church as a family. I don't feel like im a part of this family anyways, i've always felt like an outcast.

I can't even remember any good moments with him, just the bad; the constant bickering, he acts like a child...His drunken nature, I hate it. He drinks, I don't like that...He always drinks, not as often as he used to all those years ago though. He would always drink, everyday. Spending thounsands of dollars on liquor. He never took us out, he would alway be drunk. When he came back from work, he would be drunk. When he was late from work, he would be drunk. When he became angry, he wold be drunk.

Okay so here is what happened

So I think people know about that little hand thing gay people do right? It's like they have a broken hand but they don't, and it's kinda a way of knowing who's in the LGBTQ community?

Well, it was exactly 3:50 and it was time to go home anI i got in mom's car. And when I got in I said "hiii" and then did the hand thing. My mom was quiet, on the drive home I was confused, I kept asking her what was wrong until I realized what I've done. I kept telling her "Hey hey hey, im not gay! No! no!"

Well she ended up laughing over my pleas... so I think im safe, for now. However, at the diner she kept saying stuff like "Oh no, my daughter being gay... I would faint"

It only happens when I dream of that girl, every single time without fail.

I've lost sleep over this, I don't wanna wake up in the middle of the night just to feel something pinning me down to the bed, sometimes i feel something poking me in my sleep. I have become too tired, and its not any better because im sick as well. I can't even pray the 20 decade rosary without the urge to sleep.

The workload has become too much for me man

This is what I get for picking all the hard classes. Two college classes, 1 AP class, and 1 Honors class. That's half of my schedule. And My first class of the day is business and we have to do stuff on the computer. no fun!

My history teacher keeps making fun of me because of something I said a couple of weeks ago. I was having a bad day yk, and sometimes he asked us how our day was, well, I didn't want to explain it (even to him because he's married the CORGI COUNSELOR) so I said "It's complicated"

Today I went to mass

Well, I almost didn't go today, and I felt kinda sad. My dad was acting childish, as always. He was hungry, very hungry...

My mom offered to make him an egg, my dad didn't like that suggestion, and then she offered something else, and he got angry. Now they had to figure out who was going to take me to mass, because if I dont then I won't receive the sacrament of confirmation.

My mom took me, and let me tell you, there were no more parking spaces, every single space had been taken. We ended up parking somewhere tho lol. Mass was very nice, just worship and stuff. But then it was time to receive the body and blood of Christ, and my body froze.

I didn't feel worthy of receiving such a sacred thing. My mom kept telling me to go up, but I couldn't. That stupid, internal voice in me kept telling me that I didn't deserve to go up there because of my SSA and that no matter what I was destined to go to hell...

She ended up getting on a rant on the way back home....

She keeps appearing in my dreams. I have never seen a girl like her ever, and yet she brings me so much comfort. She appears in my dreams every night. She holds me, plays with my hair, cuddles with me. She gives me everything i've ever wanted. Sometimes i vent to her, and she listens. I wish i had her... as a friend...not a girlfriend....

It's gonna take a while for me to accept the fact that i will not have a girlfriend, it is the cross that i have to carry on this journey. I don't feel worhtless or anything, but I wish i wasn't like this because my parents will kick me out. I need more answers, atleast some guidance on this, luckily my priest at the church i go has an email. Maybe i can schedule a meeting with him? But my parents are kind of an obstacle.

Today is valentines day! and i have brought my friends all the cupcakes i could get, along with some other snacks because i know most of them arent going to get a valentine anyways, same tho

Well, this one girl seemes upset as she was walking in there and I said 'ohh, ima give her a cupcake'. She was so happy thta i gave her one! But her joy turned to denial when she realized that she wasnt allowed to eat. Being curious, i asked her, and she said "Oh, its because im Catholic"

Wait, im catholic too, i thought to myself. That's when I remembered that today is ash wednesday, which means that i have to abstain from meat today, and to only eat one meal today (Not like i do that already! lol). So, here I am with a bad full of mini cupcakes from walmart that i got half off. There they are, staring at me as I type.

So theres this story my professor read to us, I think its called A and P, and our assignment was to write a continuation of the story that took place 10 years later! This has to be one of my favorite assignment from the entire course! I get the freedom to write whatever I want! So here is the idea! The main character slowly becomes obsessed with the girl, until one day he kills her! But, now he has to get rid of the body.. but how? By turning her into a burger. Right now i am writing the story and might be done by midnight if i dont get distracted lol. My friend is writing hers too! but in her story the main character kills Elvis Presley and the main character basically steals his identity... isnt that so creative!

I went to my favorite place today! Church! But my Confirmation teacher wasn't there today, I was hoping to ask her what color she wanted the beads for her 20-decade rosary, but she was taking care of her sick husband and taking care of the kids. Prayers to her!

We merged with this other class, and they were kinda chill? We were playing a game about what we were going to give up for Lent. Everyone just got in a circle and told us what they were going to give up for lent, and if it was impossible for us to give that up then we would put a finger down until one person remained. No one won because the teacher stopped the game and made us read the bible

This is going to be my first ever lent.. and to be honest im kinda lost. Because I dont know what to give up exactly because I gave up a lot of things when I decided to become Catholic again. Maybe I can give up playing video games. Or spending less time on my phone— Or maybe giving up chocolate. Nah, the chocolate one is too hard, I can't survive without chocolate.

Don't we all feel.. misunderstood? If thats even the right word, by our parents sometimes? Like, you feel that you can't express yourself around them? because they have so much disdain for your interests? So you just sit alone in your room, doing your own thing? Sometimes I go back to my room immediately after eating... if I feel like I can't be my authentic self with them then why ever be around them?

Well, I was ecstatic to post something here yesterday! but there was a problem My laptop was normal at first, running normally, until all of a sudden the numbers didn't appear on the screen... I thought 'OH! This must be some glitch, I'll just restart it.' but no. No matter how many times I restarted that purple thing the numbers didn't work!

Well, maybe I should use a USB keyboard and see if that works! And that didn't work either. So now I'm running this blog on the crappy school Chromebook and they can see everything I do on it. So now I have to be more careful about the things I post here.

This reminds me of that time when I got sent to the counselors over my English essay. And let me tell you, the counselor is OBSESSED with minions, the amount of minions she had in her room makes my Pokemon collection look like nothing! I bet she was giggling and kicking her feet when the new Despicable Me movie was announced! There's also a second counselor and she is obsessed with Corgi's (not as much as the minion counselor tho) and the room is so cozy too!

How on earth are they going to suddenly announce events? They can't even get 70% of their students to do what they're supposed to do!

And I can't even go sit at the cafeteria! they force everyone to be in that crowded place! Well, besides that my day has been...alright? The boys in my engineering class are being as obnoxious as always; making monkey noises, fooling around in the workshop, and overall just being annoying! Atleast the boys in my group are normal... i just know the trebuchet were making is gonna be so cool once we're done with it!

I can't wait to graduate from this school, i dont like most of my peers or the teachers... its just some small high school with a total of about 200 (its way more) students in one small, crammed brick building. The atmosphere is tiring, everyday i walk the same crowded hallways, go to my classes, do my work, and leave. The same cycle continues for 4 days each week.

This has been something that I've wanted to do for a while, it's just that I felt conflicted. With this, I'll be showing the world my most private thoughts, feelings, and struggles. But, with this, I am finally able to express myself.

Ever since I was young I always knew that there was something "strange" about me. I was taught that girls could only like boys and that boys could only like girls. If that was true? Then why am I feeling this way? Why is the girl on the tv screen so beautiful?

As a little child, I have always had a devotion to God. I would beg my mom to buy books about the biblical stories because I wanted to learn more about God, and the world he created. This was around the time when my fascination for science was born. How could something like this not be created by a higher being? I remember thinking. But As I grew older I started to resent God. I remember cursing him. Why did you make me like this? Or was it bad luck that i was chosen by YOU to be like this? I am writing out of pure conviction.