Women are pretty, I adore them. At times, to me, they are the pinnacle of creation. When I see a pretty girl, I just get all shy and start fixing myself hoping to look good. It's an instinct at this point. I get flustered when they talk to me, and I try to act as nonchalant as possible as I feel my heart race as the seconds pass by. I just want to admire them.

I tend to look down at the ground when I pass by gorgeous women at a store. I did exactly that when I was going to church and saw a woman with such impeccable fashion choices, long hair, and sunglasses. I got so nervous that I just looked down and thought "Wow, she's so beautiful." I got even more nervous when she passed by me. It felt like a crime to even walk by her.

I just want to admire them. I just want to hold a cute woman in my arms and tell her how pretty she is. I don't know man, I can't even explain just how beautiful women are. Thank you, God, for creating women.

My parents keep telling me to go receive the eucharist. I refuse, many times I've told them that I would go once I confess my sins. I'm in a state of mortal sin, which means that I'm not allowed to receive it until I go and confess it. If I were to receive the body of Christ in this state, I would commit a grave sin.

I made a promise to God that I would not receive it until I went to confession, but honestly, it's hard since there's so much pressure for me to take it. When I didn't take it during my confirmation, I got scolded, but it felt wrong to do so knowing that I would willingly receive the eucharist knowing I committed a mortal sin.

Many times have I tried explaining to them that I wouldn't take it, but instead of listening, the more pushy they became. At times they even go on a rant about how the church just makes up rules out of thin air and that one day they will receive it despite church teaching. Not much I can do about it, all I can do is pray for them.

For the past few days I've started to pray more frequently, and I have decorated the altar in my closet more. I have to use an LED candle to light up the closet because the lights flicker so much it starts to irritate my eyes. I have yet to tell my parents about those lights. I kid you not it's so dark in there I can't even see myself picking my own clothes.

Last week was rather odd. On Sunday, I had a stomach ache, but I took some good old electrolytes to ease it. Sadly, it wasn't effective since the very next day I threw up around 5 times.

It was also my mom's birthday, so I gave her a hug before telling her that I threw up, she let me stay home for the day and asked if I wanted to go to the doctors. I felt bad for having this happen on her birthday, so I declined and just slept for the entirety of the day. At night, we ate cake.

On Tuesday, I went back to school with the large canvas on hand. My friend told me that I had until thruway to finish it! So I started working on it immediately any time I could so I didn't get disqualified as an entry for that competition. I didn't eat anything. After vomiting, I felt so bloated that even putting a small bite out of the cake made me gag. I rested that entire day. I did the same thing on Wednesday.

Then finally came Thrusday. I spent that entire day working on the painting. I finally finished it near the end of the art class and showed the art teacher my finished painting! She then asked me what the name of the painting was going to be. That's when I said, "I wanna name it after my conversion."

Well, she asked me random questions about how I should name it after the medal, but I insisted on naming it after something else. We both kinda went back and forth, I tried explaining to her multiple times about what led to my conversion, BUT NO MATTER WHAT it's like everyone suddenly loses the ability to hear.

Well, this is when the teacher said something about me finishing early. I was just standing there with a shocked look on my face. Turns out that it was due on the 14th! I looked at my friend and she was shocked as well about this revelation. After that we went to lunch to eat. Took one bite of the spicy chicken sandwich and suddenly felt full.

I didn't eat anything until today! But now I feel very full it feels like I'm about to explode any second.