I have gone back and forth on what exactly I should base my art project for. After a few days of contemplating on it, I decided to base it after a Medal I have of St. Benedict that I always wear.

I spent a day trying to figure out what to do as a background, thats when I had the idea of putting the metal on top of a fake flower and have its petals spread under it. (It took me a ridiculous amount of time taking a picture of the reference i was going to use)

I have also spent a ridiculous amount of time painting medal, the medal i have has an image of Jesus crucified on the back, along with the letters of a Latin prayer along the edged of the medal. I sometimes curse myself for thinking of painting it, but I can't do traditional drawings since I had to decide ON THE DAY FINAL MAJOR CHANGES WERE ALLOWED. Plus I'm kinda behind on the project.

I want to hug statues of the Virgin Mary, and Jesus. I've had this weird urge for a while, each time I walk towards one of the entrances of the Church, I always want to hug the statue of Our Lady of Fatima that is displayed near that entrance. Though the statue is displayed high, so I can't hug it without getting in trouble.

I hug the statues that I have at home. The white one I have on my nightstand is the one I hug the most. I just cradle it and kiss it on its head, before putting it back where it was. To some, it might seem odd, but for me, I find this act oddly comforting.

I remember going to Ross one day and saw a statue of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I walked closer to see how much it cost. It was around 20 dollars or so. Out of nowhere I felt compelled to hug that statue right then and there but decided against it because I was out in public and I didn't want people to look and see some short girl hugging a statue.

There's just something about catholic imagery in general that tends to bring a wave of comfort through my body, whether it is a statue of a saint, a painting, or a crucifix. The whole world just stops for a moment and I feel at peace just for a second before having to face the reality of this world.

My days have been chill. Im not used to them being like that. Im not gonna even complain about it.

Last week the weather was very hot, like mid 70-80s or so, but then suddenly we got hit with a snow warning so school got canceled. For the past 4 days or so there was ice outside. That's just Texas being Texas. Today it's very cold, plus it's muddy, but luckily there is no ice.

First two weeks of 2025 we started going to church. My parents took my younger brothers and me, though I do feel uncomfortable being there because the girl who manipulated me is a bit close to where I sit. I just block her out of my vision and focus on the mass.

Life is normal, im still mentally not well though. I decided to take a gap year instead of going to college once I graduate, but I have to do that FAFSA form since the state has it as a graduation requirement.

I said it once I'll say it again. I am being seduced by my past experiences with witchcraft and devil worship, every day, every hour, every minute, it's become impossible to do something simple without thinking about it.

I cannot be in my room without being paranoid, thinking: "Is that picture of Mary looking at me." I'm exhausted: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically, my faith is at its weakest. I've started to believe that maybe I'm just not meant to be a Christian, but the next second im on my bed, crying, just begging for God to take me already, sometimes even angry and cursing him with words of pure anger before regretting it.

My intrusive thoughts started telling me that I should just stop being a Christian and just give up. As always, there is a heavy emphasis on Devil worship. Thoughts about how I would be loved, never manipulated or abused again if I were to just leave the Catholic faith. I even have thoughts about wishing to be dammed to hell, and that maybe I should worship the devil after doing a bit of witchcraft during the summer. These thoughts are so deeply imprinted into my psyche, that it's as if I have pulled a whole 180.

It's hard to even pretend as if these thoughts are not there. Even when I write these thoughts persist, and I can't even think clearly because I have to take constant breaks after each sentence. The more I try to dispel them the worse they become. By the day im starting to find the thought of worshipping Satan enticing, and the idea of just surrendering to them becomes tempting by the day.