It's been hard getting up from bed.

I've been demotivated to do anything. It feels like I'm at my lowest now. But I did get some time to get out last week. I do wanna post here sometimes.. It's just that everything I do now seems like a chore. I just wanna lay down and sleep. It's like everything I do now doesn't bring the same joy.

I'm still upset over something. It took me so long to realize that I was being gaslighted by someone whom I considered a friend. Over a guy. Girl would just say shit like "you should give up" "he isn't all that" OH BUT NOW SHE'S HOLDING HIS HAND. OKAY JAQUELINE... Like if she liked the guy she could've just said so like omg. apparently she wanted him too I was just competition. A competition I never even knew was in!?!?! HELLO!?

Yeah, now I'm here thinking. Were we ever friends. Was I just something for her to snuff out and degrade over an innocent crush on some guy. Now I feel like something was wrong for ever "liking" the guy for the past uhh. 4 years.

Oh, I've been neglecting prayer a lot. Last time I prayed was weeks ago at this point. I'm making rosaries. I mean I still do some like, short prayers but that's just like. Saying thanks and stuff. Not praying any rosaries and chaplets.

Damn this girl screwed me over. And so did the guy in a sort of poetic way. I don't wanna feel this way towards him. I'd rather kill myself than feel this way. Kinda ironic because this guy actually changed me for the better, and for the worst.

oh! Summer break, it's been boring as of now. I tried applying for a job but sadly I cant find one in my city. Aw man. But I have been using the break to improve on myself both mentally and physically, because to be honest I am not doing well mentally. Physically I m alright. At least I think, I have not been taken to the doctor despite my mom promising to take me like months ago.

anyways. My friend and I might hang out at some park. I'm kinda nervous because Ive never gone out with a friend. What if I screw something up? Gosh sometimes I wish I was extroverted and not as sheltered as I am.

Now my mom wants to go to the damn Salvation Army to buy stuff. There's rarely anything good to the one I go to, at least not in my age range. It opens at like 8:30 so Im gonna be in the car for a while...

Hopefully I find a keyboard there, or maybe some decor for my room