I look back at life and wonder to myself "what have I become." Im strangest thing even to myself.

As stated before, none of this seems to be a result of the mental health issues that've plagued me for nearly a decade. It started way before any traumatic experience. I wasnt even in school when I had my first supernatural experience—I was still a child that would always be following their mother around and sleep in the most oddest places. I was just laying down on the floor, pondering. Thats when my vision turned white and I saw a woman wearing a white robe with a large golden crown on her head.

And thats where the chances of me having a normal life faded out of fucking existence. I can't properly explain how that felt, let alone the rest of the ones I've had that were far more intense (and painful).

But I've learned a lot from them. Demons, from my personal experience, tend to act like children having a fit and they must be disciplined by one's own willpower and/or the limits God imposes upon them. These experiences introduced me to a lot of complex theological concepts that I didnt know about. They've introduced me to the concept of mortal and venial sins, and the importance of receiving communion in a state of grace. So im not sure how some people are gonna feel reading about a gay girl talking about mystical experiences and how she's "for the other team" as some like to call it.

There are times where I do cave in and pray to a saint, primarily Saint Rita. She seemed to be present since my birth, as most of my family comes from a small town named after her. I also had a dream about her and she told me her life story. There was one occasion when i desperately needed to get into my math classes, I felt hopeless and caved in asking for her aid. During my Jazz Appreciation class I head a femenine voice telling me to check again for open classes, by then 10 minutes have passed since I last checked. I was scared—and rightfully so—I thought it was my mental health problems screwing with me, but I refreshed the page anyways. When I saw that one class finally opened and I cried like a baby.

Im not afraid to admit that I am exhibiting the same behavior a demon would. Im not possessed or anything! Just saying that the way i immediately changed sides can seem rebellious in the eyes of God—but I digress. Ive seen a lot of stuff, so im not surprised that i ended up this way. To top it off, I was told that I was destined for tremendous spiritual suffering.

Everyday I wonder why he intervened when i was about to end my shit all those years ago and not for a child caught in a war, all when knowing that i would end up like this.

Its been more than a year since I wrote something addressed to you. You might not even glance at this, but im aware that those snakes will be eager enough to show you.

Lord forbid I get one thing right through a dream, you have the nerve to act uncomfortable and tired about it. Nah im kidding. In a way, Im annoyed too that I get these premonitions but this is a once in a lifetime experience that I get to do, so sadly I won't be stopping anytime soon until it happens, if it ever does. So, have fun with me saying stuff that i shouldnt know.

But you can't hide it forever from . You have the privilege hide this in the confinement of your mind, or brushing it off as a mere coincidence. But you are very aware of its implications. I was aware of it since I was conscious, and I begged to take his place when I had that dream, but its futile. Its like we were all doomed the moment eve ate the forbidden fruit.

You know this already but when I had that dream i made many promises. My five year old self promised to help those in need and to work towards becoming a saint... if it ever happens. Its a lot especially for a child that barely lived. Its impossible for me to comprehend that possibility now that I'm a satanist.

If thats what it takes for you to change then so be it, because deep down I know how this will end even if I bury it deep within my putrid heart. But do tell, what does 11001 mean? I know that you know.

genuinely what is my life.

As I heal, it helps me reflect more on the things I've tried to ignore. Maybe thats why my younger self wrote this, and somehow it's the only thing left of my writings from my early years, and its the one that inspired the rest. I feel conflicted sharing this, but it helps me accept that what will happen next is inevitable.

Here is what really inspired the blog