Without insanity I am not me. I wouldnt have become Elari. Its what makes me human. I didnt choose to be like this; it chose me the moment I was conceived. and in a way it chose every single one of us.

I had to break to become as emphatic and understanding. What can justify human brokenness? What am I missing? What lesson was I supposed to learn? What makes me linger in my own misery.

When I become what I am meant to be, I will yell it from the rooftops, and I will become as beautiful as a living cypress.

When i was 5 years old, I promised that I would bring something out of my suffering, but sadly I was made me a very stubborn woman.

I asked God to make me suffer for the sake of understanding others more for one reason: to help them as effectively as possible. My promise was to help people: the poor, the people ridden in places at war, the mentally anguished. Here I am—broken and bitter.

I am angry, why did to accept a bet made by a 5 year old? You know we dont see eye to eye. Yet you send me people to help, knowing that i am technically still a teenager with no job, nothing under my name, and no money necessary to help them in full. I try my best, but it makes me cry because It feels like I've failed despite having more years ahead of me.

Yet admist all the conflicting thoughts and emotions, I feel as if something is calling me. The only way to describe it is this: "Move forward and do good. If you're only understood in death then so be it. Give it your all and transform your suffering into something incomprehensible." I can't help but wonder?

Is this craving in the soul my unwavering determination or a call to something?

And when you peel back my eyes
I see the pain and feel alive
My hatred heaps upon this fire
That burns inside and you blow higher
(This is from a KMFDM song :>)

Ive been through some absurd shit. Hell some of it i haven't told to a single person because of the absurdity of it all. That's why my biggest fear is not being understood, because to put it frankly, I dont know anyone else who has experienced the same stuff ive had.

Even the stuff I talk about here seems ludicrous in my eyes despite it happening right infront of me, along with the constant documentation of my life here (the stuff that im comfortable enough to share online). Ive always craved to be understood. After all these years and all these situations combined I've come to the realization that people will intentionally misunderstand you no matter how hard you try to explain yourself—wether it be something simple as an idea for a project or as complex as your trauma. Even if i were to share this blog there will always be people who will misinterpret it and twist it for their own agenda.

And i know you will, you know exactly who you are

Today I went to the home of the flower man, my neighbor.

My mom came face to face with our old neighbor, Bella. For context, a decade ago my father had metal fences installed, my neighbor did the same, but it was slightly slanted, going in the path of our own. My dad and the neighbors wife fought for a bit over the land, since then my mom hasn't spoken to Bella since.

We all collectively prayed the rosary, once we were done we walked back home. Its weird not seeing the flower man outside tending his flowers. He loved them so much his last words were "and my plants?"

In a dream I saw you under that large tree— I was 5 years old. Ive waited for a decade. Ive always known, but seeing you in the flesh was surreal. Since the first time I saw you all those years ago I knew I would suffer.

And thats why I hate you. As much as I dont want to admit this it's the truth. You view the world in rose tinted glasses, you hear one side of the story—from the oppressor —not of the victim. I hate you for that. People are waiting like sharks to see what I write here to use against me and you just stand there as if you are unable to think for yourself!

Im not stupid enough to hide the fact that i was—in a way—idolizing you back then. You were a fool and so was I, and you know that! Even when I talked to you deep down I knew this would lead to some suffering on my end, but honestly that was purely by choice. What wasn't a choice was all that bullshit done to against me at the hands of other people.

Maybe you're reading this—Maybe someone else who went to the same school as me? If you are, someone probably gave you the link to this. Its very unlikely but you're probably in shock over the stuff ive written here. Its embarrassing but all of this is from the heart! Ask yourselves: Can you feel the pain seeping through what I've written? My anger? The pure rage and despair up to the moment where I break completely?

Im glad that you left me in the dark because I finally see you as the person you truly are. My greatest regret is offering up my own suffering just to see you happy. May God forgive me for what I am about to say but ignoring my emotions will only harm me in the long term. Maybe one day I will change my mind but for now.

I will never forgive you nor Jackie.

i love Wicked so much

I cried out of nowhere last week while at the thrift store. It isnt a common occurrence. I can't even tell when it will happen, it just does. I have been sick for the past 2 weeks so atleast there's an explanation for this one.

This week I lost my neighbor. Ive known him since I was little. I had a friend back then and since he would at times be at his grandpa's house, we would hang out. Those are pinnacle moments of my childhood before my friend moved a couple years later. My neighbor sold plants as well. My mother would always buy from him. He even gifted me a plant the last time we went back in 2024. I still have it and water him, his name is Gared and apparently its said that he brings money when asked.

Tommorow were going to his home to pray the rosary for him. Its a thing we do whenever someone close to us dies.