Last week was very interesting, to say the least.

I'm on Thanksgiving break right now. I started reading Toilet Bound Hanako Kun and im loving it so much, the art style is eye candy. I want to eat it. Also, I've been feeling much happier, I'm praying more and fixing up my prayer corner a bit! But depressive episodes still happen from time to time

So here's a summary of the previous week:

Monday: my class watched Twelfth Night. That's it.

Tuesday: There was turkey on the lunch menu. Can't call it a turkey honestly. More like ham. Needless to say, I devoured that like my life depended on it and ended up with an upset stomach and almost had to go home over it.

Wednesday: Apparently we have an ORAL presentation the day we come back from the break. I'm horrified for it because I know I'm gonna be a stuttering mess. I was like "I'll just talk, avoid as much eye contact." That girl is in my class tho so that's why I dont wanna do it. A lot of my classmates didn't show up for some reason.

Thursday: Last day before Thanksgiving break, I brought some sweets for my friends. Then I found out that my Biology teacher got fired for whatever reason but the people in my biology class were making so many theories about it. Oh, and some dude was doing no.3 in one of my friend's classes. Overall very eventful last day.

I was cleaning out my closet and found a relic! Well, for me it was more like finding a dead body rather than a relic. It was one of those small cork bottles from Dollar Tree, filled with herbs. One had rosemary, another had crushed roses. I was horrified because I thought I threw away all my witchcraft stuff months ago, I felt so distressed seeing the things that represented what I once was. I put them in a small bag and smashed the bottles to pieces.

I'm gaining weight.

During summer break I was close to being about 95 pounds. For my mom, that's a death sentence! She wanted me to eat more but I refused, each time I ate more I just ended up feeling like I was gonna explode. I wasn't doing any better because I'd purposefully skip meals. My stomach has been feeling upset recently. It's only when I eat junk food like Whataburger and all those other places. Hours later I feel so bloated and it feels like something is stabbing me from the inside. Sometimes I even vomit.

I've been eating a lot of sweet things for the past month or so. Sweet things are probably the few things I used to cope with my issues years ago, so much so I ended up weighing close to 128-130 pounds at the height of 4'9 around 2021. Currently, I weigh 102, but I just finished eating so some of that weight is probably just the food chilling in my belly.

I always avoid looking at myself in the mirror. Loving my body is so difficult for me because I hated it so much since I was younger. I'm happy with my current weight, but Mom begs me to eat more to have more "mass" in my "areas if you know what I mean. I just ignore her but she does give me more food than usual.

When I pray I can't form any words, I just start sobbing

All i can do is just mumble "why" "why"

"Why can't you take me already"

"I can't take it, I can't take it anymore"

"Why didn't you leave me to die all those years ago"

"Please make the pain go away"

"Sometimes I wish I was never born at all"

"Sorry for letting my intrusive thoughts get to me"

"I wish my mom could take my mental health seriously and get me therapy"

"I wish she didn't call me weak"

"I feel like you abandoned me but deep within my heart I know you're always listening"

It's just a mess. A bunch of jumbled-up emotions piled into it.

And when I'm done I'm just sitting awkwardly, like what do I do now? I just poured my heart to God. I know! I'm gonna get on TikTok or Cookie Run Kingdom!

My mom knows I'm bothered by something. She does know what the girl did but thinks I'm overreacting (she doesn't know how it affected me mentally, the last time I told her about my mental health she shamed me for it and called me weak)

She says I look less happy and more irritated than ever before. She points out that there is no joy in my eyes or in the way I speak. I'm surprised she paid attention to how I feel now, it's probably because of that phone call the counselor made to my mom about my English essay about a year ago (I wrote about how I wanted to commit suicide in freshman year! I told her that I wasn't suicidal anymore but insisted on calling my mom because of some LAW (wasn't suicidal then, but definitely am now, though slowly getting out of it I promise))

It ain't just my mom, everyone, even my friends and other family members noted this. They say I look tired, unmotivated, having too much on my mind. I try to just pretend that I'm doing well but im reality I'm not. Besides I can't tell anyone about this because the girl who hurt me is popular- (she is also the class president and the valedictorian)

When I vented to one of my friends she told me to lower it down because many of her friends were there when we talked about it, and they looked in our direction. I hate this. Can't even vent in a piece. She says that no one would believe me in what she did to me because she's well-liked by everyone, even the teachers.

im trying my best to avoid any possible triggers that might cause me to relapse, and honestly, I'm doing a terrible job! The last time I tried to "lock in" I only lasted a week or so. I have no idea how I got myself out of my depression 3 years ago, all I remember is that stupid lunch table from freshman year with the guy.