TW// Slight Mentions of Self Harm

God, I am tired. Why am I still here

I've been dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, especially about my past. I'm more drained than ever and im getting more angrier.

I don't get it, God. How can someone hurt me psychologically? Mentally? Spiritually even, be happy while im here dealing with the consequences of what she has done to me? Where is the justice, Lord? I feel like you have abandoned me, the same abandonment that turned me to Satanism 4 years ago just to gain back the little power I had over my life just to lose it all again.

I am hurt, I am angry. Anger is not the word to describe it. To me, what I feel goes beyond it.

How can someone who degraded me, gaslighted me into being confused over who I was, someone who tried to make me love my friend who killed himself, someone who Lead me to believe that I was unable to be loved, and made me feel like I was a freak for almost 2 years, be so damn happy?

How can someone who has stalked me on the internet, and viewed my meltdowns during the summer break not at least feel a bit of remorse? Does she even feel any? Is she burying it deep within her soul? Hoping that it would ease her regrets?

I've spent the whole summer break believing that I was a freak for my attraction to the boy. I thought it would be different, of course, it was a boy. Is it more normalized in society? Is it not? But all I heard was the same things people told me when I was attracted to a woman. That I was a freak.

The wounds go deep, mentally and physically. I was so hurt, that I felt numb, I would turn to self-harm by heating a bobby pin and pressing it into my skin, immediately regretting it right after. My intrusive thoughts kept telling me to hurt her, they started when she last talked to me. I felt my body shake in anger and just opened the room of the classroom and walked out as fast as possible to not cause a scene. I felt so betrayed.

My intrusive thoughts kept telling me to do witchcraft again as a way to get back at her. It's horrible, everyday I have dealt with intrusive thoughts. I'm trying everything in my power, but to me, it's like a drug, the only way I'm able to even feel something besides just melancholy, just pure pleasure.

Out of nowhere, they eventually became thoughts about Satan. Thoughts about worshipping him again, of denying the holy spirit just to spite God. They heavily emphasized revenge, that if I started worshipping Satan again I would finally get justice for what she did to me.

A couple of months ago, August 7th to be exact, I was on the brink of burning myself again, but then I clenched my hands in desperation and prayed to God to never fall in love again. I'd rather suffer than feel any romantic attraction towards anyone. That I'd rather brawl with the devil himself. The next day when saw him, I no longer felt that long, familiar flutter in the heart, just what I would describe as pure emptiness.

Was what I feeling towards him? Was it love? Admiration? A weird obsession? Lust!? Was I just forcing myself to like him because I wanted to be straight!? I feel as if I have been left confused by those around me. What im more confused about is how this led me to become who I am today.

Mentally and spiritually I am at my worst. I feel like I can't move forward honestly. Somehow, despite feeling like this. Amidst hopelessness and apathy, I feel a speck of hope within me urging me to move forward.

"Elari, do you have a boyfriend yet?" "Will you get married" "Do you like anyone"

I swear each time I meet up with cousins or aunts they ask these questions! It's starting to get me pissed off. Don't get me started about the "when you get married..." stuff. I dont even have any interest in romantic stuff anymore, like I physically cannot imagine myself in a relationship now.

An aunt asked one of these questions and I just froze, I just said "Nothing, I'm not interested in anybody yet" and then mentioned grandkids and my future family and I was just there listening awkwardly, nodding with every word she said when I just wanted to eat my food. I then went to walk around my aunt's backyard because she mentioned how this one tree had some large balls hanging from it.

I don't know what they're called, but they're green and smell like a mix of oranges and lemons. My mom and I then got a whole bucket full of them to take home and do whatever with them. Were planning on using them as decoration!

But those questions bother me honestly. Why do they care so much? Besides it's already a headcanon in the family that I'm probably gay (can't admit to that because parents...). My relationship status it's not something I talk about, but I've had several peers tell me that they can never possibly imagine me in a relationship.

Today marks two years since my friend died. On this day he was sent to the hospital by helicopter where he'd be in the emergency unit for hours. Though his death wasn't instant, his wound was fatal.

I want to visit his grave, as it's only a minute or so away if I were to drive there, The issue is that I cannot drive, though I do know how to turn, know the breaks, and can at least manage to make it move, the streets are sadly not ready for Elari. I could ask my mother if she can take me there so I can leave him a can of Dr.Pepper. which was his favorite drink, but I think she'd be reluctant to since traffic here can get pretty bad.

Today, I decided to wear some pink sunglasses and a pink ribbon on my hand as a way to honor my friend. Everyone keeps telling me that the glasses I have are cute, it hurts a bit, knowing that Hunter would most likely say the same thing too if he were still here. (By the way, these glasses are too big, they keep falling from my head 😔)

♡ I remember back in 6th Grade, Hunter and I sat together along with some other guys. We'd mix every single drink or any liquid we had and make this "juice". Then we'd pick someone from the lunch table and then record them drinking the juice. Hunger would always be the one recording the videos. He would then post it on his YouTube channel and the whole lunch table would just comment on it, I vividly remember commenting about my face being on it. I think that video is the only instance of my face being shown on the internet. ♡

I'll try convincing my mom to take me at some point during the week. It doesn't hurt to ask anyway, plus, she knows how important of a person he was to me.

So the sleep paralysis is back! Not fun!

For some reason when I experience it, It feels like my body is in a lot of pain. As if something just beats me during it and I'm forced to endure it. It's scary honestly, and then my brain thinks there's someone there and tells me to get up and run but instead I'm just frozen in place. Never again never again!

I really gotta sleep man, I've been losing hours of rest because I'm scared of it happening again. It's so infuriating though because sometimes I just wake up in the middle of the night and suddenly I just dont want to sleep. I'm just left there to lay down on my bed and look up at the ceiling just waiting for the sleepiness to kick in but I'm left there like an idiot for 3 hours or more.

Im typing this on my phone because I JUST woke up and it's 4 am, now I can't sleep and I have to get up at like 6:30 to get ready for school. I'm just tossing and turning on the bed and I can feel that my eyes are heavy. Girl can't you cooperate, can't you see you're tired YOU NEED TO REST but nah for some reason my brain refuses to rest and wants to do stupid stuff like scrolling through Twitter to see those glorious Pokemon leaks.

Maybe that's why my brain woke up, maybe it just yearning for more Pokemon leaks to look at. Oh, also the Beta water Pokemon starter for Gen 3 is so cute! But I still prefer Mudkip as cute as the rabbit Pokemon is.

I thought I had things sorted out, last year I could talk in front of a large group of people and I was so happy! Finally, I had gotten out of my comfort zone and was ready to slay my peers into oblivion.

Well, on Tuesday we had to present a part of the cell for extra credit. I need it now more than ever because schoolwork has become too much for me, and the mental issues I'm having at the moment aren't making me think clearly. Plus, my body feels weak, I'd rather be asleep most of the day. It's a miracle I'm passing the rest of my classes.

When it was my time to present, I tried to talk, but nothing came out, I became anxious and started to shake with the little model I made of a lysosome still gripped in my hand. I had the paper where I wrote the facts for it, and I tried to read it but ended up stuttering even more. I looked at the girl beside me who looked at me as I presented and we smiled at each other awkwardly, I couldn't do it, so I just read the important functions of it and hoped that it was enough to get extra credit.

Thankfully I did get my extra credit! Now I'm passing with a 78. I wanna aim for an 80 now and not for 90-100 for my mental sake, but if I get somewhere there then hallelujah.

He keeps looking at me. It's bothering me now this isn't funny anymore why is he looking at me so damn much.

My dad has been at the hospital for almost a week, and my mom told me that she made a promise to God, that if my dad went out of the hospital okay that we would start going to mass! However, she thinks that going to mass every Sunday is too excessive and tells me that we are going once every two weeks. A little bit confusing but hey we're getting there

Dad has heart problems, and it was something he always had even when he was young. What happened to him was that his heart and lungs seemed to have fluids that would bloat his body, if he didn't go to the hospital when he did, he would've most likely died. Apparently, the fluids were either caused by a clotted artery (I dont remember this one correctly) or because he drank too much.

He is fine now, it's just that the medication the nurses are giving him is making his blood pressure very low. From now on he's going to be taking medication for his condition so he can live a long, healthy life. I just can't believe it took him almost dying to realize that drinking all that liquor was killing him. Even when he was connected to all that medical equipment he still had the desire to drink alcohol, it was sad. And, when the doctors asked him if he drank he'd always deny that he didn't drink that much! It pisses me off hearing him lie about it.

While we waited for him to leave the hospital my mom took me and my younger brothers to the circus, it was pretty fun. My mom wasn't amused by it but I loved it, it was so silly, and going to the circus was always something I wanted to do. We only went to watch the first half of it because we had to visit my father.

We didn't go to mass yesterday as he was still at the hospital, but we did watch the one they broadcast on the TV. After a couple of hours and almost a week of being at the hospital, we finally took our dad back home so he could rest.

Well, one thing is for sure I never want to see my father at the hospital ever again, and I hope I get to see him live longer. Even after the mistakes he made in the past, his temper, and his addiction to alcohol, he is still my dad and I should love him.

I have to get some stuff out of my chest because it's driving me mad.

So: Last night, It felt like something was pulling my hair in my sleep. I felt like it was being dragged from one side of the bed to the other. It then felt like someone grabbed my head and slammed it onto the mattress with all its force. When I woke up, I was on the other side of the bed, and my whole body hurt, especially my head.

It's kinda weird, it's messing with me. I try not to think about it.

The same happened from around September 27 to 29th. But it was just pain, not the weird dragging or hair-pulling. Then I had a sort of auditory hallucination. It told me that my dad would die. And then it told me that one of Jackie's family members died :(. I dont take these sorts of things seriously and just brush them off as just sleep paralysis being sleep paralysis. But the fact that my dad went to the hospital a few days later horrified me. At least he is alive, but he was on the brink of death.

Whether or not something happened to her dad I don't know. And I do not want to know.

It's creeping me out.