I saw everyone outside when I got out of the car, the second I got off I knew something was happening just not what exactly it was. I went up, hoping I could get inside to sit down once they opened the doors, we'll It turned out that they were fixing the lights, eventually someone did let us in but then the superintendent told us to go back outside. Then she got on top of one of the benches and announced that there would be no school today, everyone was so happy! But some of my classmates there had to wait for the busses to come back to pick them up. Some of them were still getting off the bus! Imagine thinking you're going to school, bored out of your mind, and then your friend tells you that they canceled it. I'd jump for joy!

Now I'm relaxing at home eating a burger my mom made for us, and I've been catching up on some school work and editing an essay I have to write about medieval torture devices. I finished it last week and now I'm just chilling knowing that I'm done with one of my most major grades of the semester.

I forgot to mention, that something weird happened at school, but it's funny I promise.

So I was walking to lunch with a friend of mine and we were talking about what kind of emotions we have feeling the most. As we walked through one of the empty hallways suddenly Peter walked by and saw me and my bestie. We were just walking and suddenly he stopped in the very middle of the hallway.

He was just standing there motionless, almost like a stop sign. I was trying my best not to laugh while passing by him because he was just FROZEN there in place, didn't even move an inch he was a statue, I looked back and he was still standing there, but instead of looking straight ahead, he was now looking at me. Me and my friend just kept walking to not make things awkward.

When we reached the cafeteria we just burst out laughing at what happened in the hallways, that's all we talked about during lunch. My friend then told me that this is a thing he does all the time, to just look at people from a distance! She told me how this one time she was doing her school work and he was just looking at her intently as he ate something! Oh, how lovely!

My parents are planning on making me a birthday party. If they do it'll be my first time having one.

They have never done a birthday party for me because I was born on December 21st, very close to Christmas. Their reasonings stem from having too many parties to celebrate or just celebrating it on the same day, despite them never doing so. Everyone else had large parties on their birthdays except me. Lots of food, guests, music, everything. All I get for my birthday is cake and a gift, which is honestly good enough for me, but I always wanted a large party, which is why they're making one for me now since I'll be turning 18 this year.

Never expected to turn 18 and still be alive, to be honest so for me this is a very big deal. I dont care about the presents, to me turning 18 means that I kept my promise to God and my younger self. But im scared cuz then I'll be a legal adult so, yay!

On my 15th they planned on doing one though, but everyone in my family got COVID except me. They still asked whether or not I wanted a big party and I said no, maybe when I turned 18.

One birthday I do remember vividly is my 16th birthday. The whole family was supposed to get together to celebrate it, but my dad got drunk, and instead of wishing me a happy birthday he just went to sleep. My mom and brothers sang it for me, I was trying everything I could to not cry because my dad wasn't there.

When I went to my room I played Pokemon Violet to get my mind off of it, I had fun for a couple of minutes until I went to heal my Pokemon at the Pokemon Center when I saw that little banner on it and had the nurse wish me a happy birthday. That just made me remember about my dad. I giggled and thought to myself, "Wow, the game wished me a happy birthday, but not my dad." Then I cried.

//this was written on Thursday I just forgot to post this lol

A fight early in the morning was not something I expected today. I dont even have the energy to get out of bed during this time but these girls have the energy to pull each other's hair like their lives depended on it.

Everyone suddenly got up cuz some dude screamed "fight fight fight!" And then everyone in the lunchroom crowded around them to watch the spectacle unfold in front of them! I was at the back of the lunchroom on my phone and honestly, I wasn't interested in it, because, after all, it was barely 8 am. Please let me take a nap...

Schools going well, Yesterday my momma and I took my younger brothers to a parade cuz it's homecoming week. We expected them to throw candy cuz that's part of the tradition here at the school: Throw parade, throw large chunks of candy so the kids can get some, but they didn't even throw candy! I remember when they used to throw so much candy my brother and I would fill grocery bags with them! Heck, they'd even throw shirts and small toys! But my little brothers only got a handful. How sad.

I wasn't really satisfied with the parade until I saw my friend in one of the cars. I screamed and waved my hands at an erratic pace as I said their name over and over and said something like "POOOOOKIE!" Gosh, I just love my friends <3.

After the parade, I and my mom were talking about how things just aren't the same anymore in the city we live in. After all, many people are coming to live here and businesses are being made. The city is starting to build more homes, extending the driveways, adding sidewalks, etc. Just recently they've shut down my favorite place: The gas station with a subway in it, and they will tear it down in the next month. But they're gonna add a Starbucks and some other sandwich place so I guess that's nice. They're also gonna build a new high school and the one I'm at will become part of the middle school once I graduate.

I wanna graduate now I actually cannot take it anymore. Each time I see Jackie I physically twitch and sweat, and I just feel like curling up to a ball to avoid even looking at her. And then the girl has the nerve to go up to me to ask for my dues for our Senior events like you better leave before I jump off the school building because you can't get the fact that you mentally abused me over a man that looks like a hairball through your damn head.

Guys guys I found my old journal from when I was younger! My mom was looking through this storage we had abandoned for at least a decade or so. I found some icons of the virgin Mary, a pendant of her, and what seemed to be a fake diamond with a picture of her on it. I love these omg.

I was so excited to open it! I thought I was gonna discover some long forgotten secrets, but sadly when I opened it there was nothing written on it but one thing

"Written by" and then it was followed by my full name

I remember being so excited to write on it when I was younger, I think I bought it at Walmart or something. I don't remember, but I vividly remember writing something else on it. Maybe it was on something else? Who knows because it's very likely that it's lost to time. Anyway, I remember my mom saying something "I can't wait to see what you put on there, you better let me read what's on it" Maybe my younger self didn't want my mom to know whatever I was thinking about at that time and that's why she didn't write anything.

Oh, but the small icons I found are so cute! I remember being little and always taking one of them with me everywhere I went. I'm gonna be hanging it somewhere in my room later. There was also this rosary my younger self made. It was made out of some golden ribbon? I dont know how to describe it. But it was like those rough ones they use in Christmas ornaments except way smaller. It had the exact number of beads. Each decade is a different color. And hanging from it was a crystal-like cross. I always wondered where it was and now I found it! I'll be posting a picture of it on the gallery later today or tomorrow because im in school at the moment.

I wish I had the old stuff I wrote. I've always dreamed of writing my own story when I was younger. Besides drawing or playing video games writing was always something thay brought me comfort even if it was just a bunch of silly rambles over something that happened on that day. I guess this blog is kinda a continuation of that. But instead of a fictional story, it's about my personal life and instead of it being in a physical diary it is on the internet for everyone to see.

Anyway, im in English at the moment, and I have this assignment where im supposed to write the Danish hero, Beowulf into anything we wanted and I kid you not she gave us this example: Beowulf experiencing 9/11.

TW/CW: Suicide.

The school here sucks. There have been I think a total of 4 classmates who have killed themselves from freshman year till now. What's worse? Most of the time the teachers knew that they were gonna do something, they just dont speak about it/ignore it completely. Until it's too late. I had one friend die from suicide. I miss him almost every day. I can remember where I was on that day.

So, this was around mid-October of 2022. it was a Sunday and it was raining on that day that's for sure. My dad wanted to take us out to eat but the wain just got worse. So we had to cover ourselves with towels as we ran to the car. I remember ordering some pancakes on that day, thinking nothing of it. I would just go out to eat, go to confirmation classes, go home, and be in my room playing Pokemon.

But when I was getting ready I heard my brother call me to the kitchen. I thought nothing of it.

"You Know Bug's younger brother?'"

I was confused, who was this person that my brother was talking about, and who was their young brother? I thought that he was going crazy... He's probably gonna ask me if I could get something from them or something

"You dont know him? His younger brother died"

Huh? I was stunned when I heard that come out of his mouth. What happened? And who was their younger brother? Can't my brother just tell me? I asked him who he was but he just told me his last name. I was getting more frustrated by the second trying to figure out who this mysterious person was. I spent like 5 minutes screaming at my brother to just tell me until it finally dinged.

Hunter. he was talking about my friend Hunter. he shot himself in the chest and has been at the hospital since Saturday.

It felt like the whole world stopped. I just stood there while my brother showed me the texts of his friend group giving condolences to Hunter's brother. I thought it was just a dream, maybe this whole thing was a nightmare. Maybe I'll wake up and he'll still be alive. But this was reality, he was at the hospital, but by then no one knew whether he was dead or alive. I wanted to cry. But no tears flowed out of my eyes. I was just in my room sitting on the side of the bed, looking down at the floor. It was getting late so my mom took me to church. dont even know why, but my mom thought it would be an amazing idea to drive by his home after hearing the news and I couldn't help but feel the urge to cry when I saw a car in the driveway along with what seemed to be trash bags filled with furniture.

I do not remember anything else that happened on that day I just felt like a zombie. I was messaging my friends about his whereabouts.. no one knew yet, but we hoped that he would recover from his attempt. I sought the rosary for comfort, as it seemed to stand out to me while I looked at my nightstand. It was a white rosary, a rosary given to me by my confirmation teacher to hopefully inspire my classmates and me to pray, I felt that even though I could not do anything, maybe the holy mother could help soothe our sorrows. I set up a pillow, downloaded an app to follow the rosary, and recited it fully. While I prayed I couldn't help but cry the first time. Then I prayed for him a second time. I prayed to God to comfort my friend and his family during that troubling time.

The next day, my old friend and I went to our first-period class, which was where we had Hunter. We sat down, not uttering. A single word. I broke the silence of the room, asking my friend if she thought he was going to recover. And then we heard the keys, the door of the class opened, and the superintendent and the vice principal came in. The Vice principal seemed saddened, he went to the front of the class and announced Hunter's passing. My heart sank. I couldn't believe it, he was gone, and I would never see him again, my friend cried, and almost everyone there cried, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the tears that swelled in my eyes to be released. The second period wasn't any better, his childhood friend was there, sobbing uncontrollably. Even the teacher was crying. We didn't do any work that day, just pure mourning. Then, the teacher, said that she was sorry. Sorry that she didn't do anything in time to prevent this tragedy. She explained that she let the students do a free write the week before, and by chance, Hunter was in that class and wrote a poem, and turned it in for a grade. According to her, the poem contained suicidal ideation, and how he was going to commit suicide. She tried to communicate with his mother about it to get him help, and they were planning to, but it was too late. She kept saying sorry, for not acting faster. She then got out of the classroom, and we were left alone.

Later that week, we got sent home early as it was his funeral on that day. I begged my mom to let me go with my friend, but she didn't really listen to me and instead bought ice cream to get my mind off of it. Later, I found out that there was a balloon release at the park where he would always go to hang out with his friends. I was the first one there, and there was a woman there who was getting the balloons ready, I volunteered to give them out to anyone who came. Many people came to the balloon release, we ran out of the balloons we had! Once the balloon release was over everyone else pretty much went their ways. Some of my friends went to the pizza place to commemorate him, some stayed at the park. I went home, gazing at the yellow and blue balloons as they slowly disappeared from my view.

After all that I went to the counselor to vent about it, how I felt like I didn't see the signs, and how I always tried my best to be there to comfort him when he was in distress. I was almost crying in there man, the only thing stopping me was how she looked at me intently, just prolonged eye contact. Everyone else seemed to move on, but I didn't, it took me a while. It was a mixture of anger and dread, I kept hearing some of my classmates saying stuff about him, such as how he missed the heart, how he was odd, and some even said that they were glad he was gone. I then stayed in a classroom during lunch, along with his other friends as a small support group. It was fun, yet saddening, each time I'd tried to talk to hopefully connect with them they'd shut me out, so I was silent most of the time...

I can't remember the rest of the classes, I can't remember anything else from Sophmore year, all I remember is my friend. I miss him. I wish I could see you again just one more time, Hunter... I wish I could just play with your hair like how I'd always do, as it was soothing for you, or maybe even watch you play Pokemon showdown. If only

I still remember the last thing he asked me, word for word, the day before his attempt.

"Elari, I have a serious question. do you still like me. or do you like Ruben"?

Everything feels like a chore- even praying the rosary. Brushing my teeth even, but I'm slowly starting to do it, my mom noticed that I've been neglecting my well so she made me, I love my mommy :)

Sometimes I pray it. Sometimes I don't. months ago praying was something I did out of love. I'd pray for my loved ones. I'd pray to God to be closer to him, even if I did feel a bit hopeless at times, wondering if I was gonna be alone for the rest of my life. Now I feel so drained, and unmotivated. I'm surprised that I haven't shot myself yet. But the LORD is my lifeline. Without him, I would be dead.

So here are some updates on life at the moment, I've fallen back into viewing porn and I'm not proud of it. I've given in to my desire to view that stuff easily. Instead of praying or working out or doing anything else, I kinda just dwell on the idea of it for a long time.

Well after watching a porn video I feel something but it ain't pleasure! Just disgusted over the fact that I'm returning to my old habits. So I installed this app and it blocks sites, I'm gonna block all the porn sites AND APPS on this phone and lock in on praying and stuff for the 2nd time this year, plus I want to read the Bible from start to finish to understand it better because the last time I read it was when I was in 2nd grade. And I want to go to confession, but it seems impossible as my mom can't seem to grasp how I could be in a state of mortal sin.