The Den of Elari


The dream girl is gonna make me relapse.

It's been 4 months since I've quit watching porn. Needless to say, I feel much better ever since I quit watching that vile poison. It had me in a chokehold for over 8 years and took me half of that time to stop watching that stuff. there was a time when I stopped watching it for a month, it was going well until one of my friends killed themselves

I miss you so much, hunter

But, im doing fine now. I mean, yeah, im still unable to process this grief, but at least my porn addiction is gone. No more urges. No more suicidal thoughts. Just peace in mind


I'll spare the details because no one here needs to know what happens in these dreams, but when I wake up I have the urge to watch a video...

I try to not think about this urge by just going back to sleep, but no, it just gets worse. because then I'll wake up again during the middle of the night still feeling that urge.

I talked to one of my friends about it and they just looked at me, telling me why it's such a big deal!? im sorry, did I not just mention that I was DEALING WITH AN ADDICTION!? There is no way im watching that stuff ever again after all the mental turmoil it made me go through.

im glad that I got the confirmation teacher that I got. because she was very vocal about the things in our society: especially porn addiction. It made me realize that something needed to be done if I wanted to improve myself for my own sake and my loved ones

I should thank her for talking about it, because if I got any other teacher I probably would have still been addicted to porn, and to be honest this blog wouldn't even exist if it weren't for her

I remember the day I told myself "I've had enough, NEW YEAR NEW ME." It was on my birthday, I opened a present and it was a cross. when I got to my room I looked at myself wearing that cross and then looked at the rosary on my nightstand. by this time I've only prayed the rosary a couple of nights, but not 4 times EVERY DAY. I decided to pray it and in a whisper, I said "Mother Mary, help me"

Let me tell you, that night felt like a La Rosa de Guadalupe episode, but without mysterious wind

I slowly started to make this into a daily routine, leading me to where I am today. now praying all decades of the rosary every single day. after a month or so, I stopped watching porn completely, I had no urges. I was set free

I was planning on asking my mom to go to confession during that time. but then I discovered that there was going to be a retreat. how wonderful. but then I discovered that they were offering confession the day before, you bet I was one of the first ones in line (I was shaking and kept going to the end of the line)

I still remember what the priest told me when I was done confessing my sins: "God is a loving and merciful God, but he is also slow to anger"