Sometimes I stop what im doing and think about the eucharist.

I don't know how to explain it, like deep in my soul there's a bit of a craving for it. I start feeling like a man who is in the desert desperately trying to find water, and when he finds an oasis he feels overjoyed. And then he scrambles to it and feels refreshed once he drinks from it.

I only took the eucharist once and that was way back in 2018, when I was just 11. I'd go to classes every Sunday and learn the 10 commandments and the difference between a venial and mortal sin. I'd get bullied by some girl I didn't even know there. She'd keep telling me to kill myself every time we passed out books for the class and I remember I said something to her, like "If anything happens to me, you will have to answer to God about your actions" Ever since I said that she stopped and would just avoid me lol.

I still have the dress I wore on that day inside my closet, it's been hanging there ever since. I keep forgetting that it's there and when I do see it I'm like "Oh I remember that day!" Sadly I don't have pictures, they are lost to time as well. But I do have photos of when I got baptized lol, I have one of my mom holding me and I was looking at the camera with my eyes widened. It's so funny looking at those pictures because even back then I had the face of just being fed up with everyone's bs 😭.

It feels peaceful while thinking about the eucharist, after all, it is a gift from God, Jesus Christ himself, his body, and blood that is received at the holy mass. Suddenly this peaceful moment gets interrupted with intrusive thoughts, most being of a sexual nature or stuff that screams profanities about God, hating him, etc. I pray and hope that these thoughts will cease, but they get worse at times, and so do thoughts of self-harm, I feel my skin start to ache as my intrusive thoughts tell me to hurt myself. It's horrible.

I'm also going through a lot right now regarding my father's health, he refused to go to the hospital and now he's staying for the night due to heart problems, pray for him.