(Lore from 2021, from then until now, i would note that my memory is VERY bad so expact me to make another post continuing this one because i want to treat this with care, so my bad in advance for any sudden cut offs.)

Back in freshman year around October to November, I was fed up with my life. No one acknowledged my mental health and how much I wanted to be helped, but instead mocked me for it. To me, committing suicide was the only way to get the message across.

I didn't plan to eat anything on that day, but then an old friend of mine went to grab chicken nuggets. She asked me if I was gonna get some because she wanted me to give her my plate. I got irritated at her but decided to go anyway even if I wasn't going to eat.

By the time I got back to the lunch table, I was getting a bit hungry. I kept my promise to her and gave her half. The smell of those chicken nuggets was enough to make my mouth water, I thought to myself: "One last snack wouldn't hurt, I'll be gone tonight"

And then I see a speck of spit get on my food. I looked at the girl, disgusted, and I looked beside me to see where the spit came from. It was Peter (idk what to call him anymore), eating with his mouth open as he was on his phone. I was appalled. Disgusted. Who was this dude? It's like he appeared beside me just to be a pig and to ruin my last meal! I remember being so angry for the rest of the day, that when it was night, I had the pills ready, but I was just laying on my bed, angry over the chicken nuggets that eventually I just fell asleep.

I woke up surprised the next day and saw that the pills were still on the nightstand. I grabbed the bottle and shoved every single pill into my mouth but couldn't bring myself to swallow them. A wave of regret came over me, I spit them all out and cried as I sat on the bedside.

The following week I went up to the girl that was with me on that day and started ranting about the guy, basically bashing him for what he did. I remember calling him "Puben" because of his hair, it was so fluffy and black that he reminded me of a pube. When lunch was upon us I would just be all angry when around him, but for some odd reason, I felt drawn to him.

A week after those feelings, I told my friends about it, and they teased me. I was confused and they told me that I probably liked the guy, but to me that feeling was foreign. I felt drawn to him, but to me, it was something, but not as the romantic feelings I would have for girls. For me, it feels warm being around a girl I like and I just feel so happy, but with Peter, he was just there, I felt nothing besides thinking "I want to know him better" and would get intimidated. I asked a couple of other friends and they all insisted that I had a crush on him, eventually, I took it as that. But then I found out that he was taken, and distanced myself from him to not cause any trouble since I'd give him a spare cookie when I was full, and that was "romantic coded".

So it was like that for a bit, I'd keep my interactions to a minimum (only talked to him like ONCE LOL). During all this, I would say downright blasphemous things at that lunch table. Hearing the people I surrounded myself with talk about God made me feel uncomfortable, to me he was a tyrannical God who tortured his creation for the fun of it. I would get rid of anything remotely religious by either throwing them into a fire or to the trash as an act of "rebellion."

Suddenly I realized that almost every interaction with my friends at the time had something to do with God. It horrified me, but then I wondered, was it a sign? Was I overanalyzing my interactions with my friends? Was I schizophrenic?

One day I decided to test it. I was sitting at lunch and for the first time in years, I prayed and asked God for a sign. When I was done I got back on my phone, I had my doubts on whether or not I'd even get my prayer answered. That's when I looked up and saw a girl walking towards lunchtime with a small microphone in her right hand. She went up to Peter, and asked "What are your thoughts on abortion." He responded, I do not remember his exact response but the girl raised his voice at him, and he did so to her. Seeing them argue was such a spectacle, and I was in awe of how Peter defended his stance against it.

For the rest of the day, I just kept thinking about that interaction, wondering if THAT was the sign or if I was just overanalyzing things as always.

NOTE: And honestly, for those 3 years, deep down I never believed that what I felt was romantic, I was gaslighting myself because I hated that I was only attracted to girls, along with everyone else degrading me over what they saw as a crush, it contributed to my declining mental health.