2022 was the most eventful year, besides 2024. It was when I converted, started going to confirmation classes, and started to better improve myself by working out and eating healthier. By then I had started to feel guilty for all the Bibles I had burned, the religious things that I defiled, the witchcraft that I had done, and my devotion to the devil. At night, I would weep over it and see myself as a monster who was irredeemable, a putrid, wicked soul who was destined to burn in hell.

I was still pondering whether or not I had a romantic interest in Peter. It was confusing, I felt drawn to him; I wanted to know him better, I wanted to see him be happy. This feeling felt new to me. Before that, I never felt the way I did towards him for any man. I would always think of that interaction he had with that girl, and I remember wishing that I had the guts to defend my stance on things like him. Plus, I always had a fixation on his hair, even if I did compare him to a pube, I liked it, and wished that I had curly hair like his.

One day, my mom took me out of school early to go shopping. She made a wrong turn so we went through some random roads. I noticed that there was a cross on top of a building and realized that it was a church. My mom drove near it. "Elari, do you want to be confirmed." I got off my phone and looked at the church, it was where I had my first communion. The last time I stepped foot in there by then was 4 years ago, I thought about it for a second and said yes. I felt drawn to it like something was calling me. My mom then took me to its office and asked for the paperwork she needed to sign me up for confirmation.

The rest of that school year was uneventful, the only interesting thing that happened was that I found Peter's Instagram, followed him, and went on with my day until he posted some Q&A. Before this, I knew NOTHING about him besides the fact that he knew how to skateboard. So I asked a question: "How long have you been skateboarding lol?" Or something along those lines. He replied, and he commented on my Instagram profile picture. Can't remember the way we even started talking, but I still remember the first text. "Junko"

Yes, my first text with that guy was over Danganronpa, I d ask a lot. Favorite characters? Played the games? You didn't know that creepy dude from UDG was a pedophile? Then the topic came to anime, he told me his favorite one was Naruto and that I should watch it because it was "peak" so I did and had a little live reaction by texting him as I progressed on the first episode. (it was life-changing fr)

And then we stopped texting!

For how many months, well almost half a year(about 4 months I think idk) because I was too scared to text him, each time I did I would just throw my phone on the mattress and suddenly start connecting with my family and cleaning the house.

So, on the first day of sophomore year, things looked well, and I'd only enjoyed going to school just to see the guy, but I'd jump all over the place when it came to my fixation on him. Was it a crush? Or am I forcing myself to like a guy because I want to be straight? I then told other friends about it, most of them would say it was cute that I was now being all gushy over a man, but the vast majority were against it because according to them he was the embodiment of everything that could be wrong with a man.

By this time his bro was just living life. And I was too scared to text him still. I did end up texting him when I was done watching Naruto and we kinda went on a little rant about it before asking about how our lives were at the moment. This was I think near the end of September. We'd text every day, or should I say I tried to initiate a conversation with him because he's the type of person who doesn't text first. He'd take long to respond but honestly, I just appreciated that he even responded to begin with and assumed that he was busy.

Meanwhile, on Sundays, I would start going to confirmation classes. The first day she asked us if we believed in the real presence of the eucharist (since the church teaches that during Mass, the bread and wine are transformed into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ, and it's one of its most important teachings). No one raised their hand, and she was LIVID, since that day she was on a mission to make sure that WE BELIEVED. Love her for that.

Sometime later I told Jackie by text message, she somehow got it right on the first try and then she deleted her message, I didn't think anything about it then, but looking back the way she acted towards me now makes complete sense.at first, she found it cute, but things took a turn a month later.

I told her about my progress on this whole thing, how I'd text him and all that, and then she looked at me and said "You should give up"

I turned to her, almost glaring at her

E: "Why?" She looked at me dead in the eyes and said

J: "Just because"

Weird but okay! I don't understand why you'd tell me to give up without giving me a proper explanation since I'm not the type of person to bend their will for someone who doesn't even at least try to explain things.

E: "Are you saying that I should like someone else?"

J: "Yes, not Peter, give up on him"

E: "AND why do you want me to give up on him?"

J: "Just because!"

I ignored her at first, but back then I did think that I had a romantic interest in Hunter, but when it came to actually trying to hold his hand or doing anything romantic I felt repulsed. I kept promising him that I would kiss him but physically couldn't bring myself to do it, he waited, and waited, for a kiss that never came. I remember talking to Hunter about Peter and he blocked me on social media, we'd still talk in person, just not as often.

Then Hunter killed himself. That's when I just stopped texting Peter for a month or two, I needed to take my mind off of things and recover after it, especially when all I thought about were his last words to me, asking me if I liked him or Peter. Mourning, balloon release, and then everyone else moved on from their lives.

One day, during Spanish class, Jackie goes up to me and suggests another way of making me forget about Peter. And that was to be like the person I was before. There was one small problem, he was DEAD, not even a week later and this girl has his name in her damn mouth. Just hearing her talk about it made me want to put her in her place by giving her a nice, hard slap. She'd say this for about a week. Eventually, I had enough of her and asked her to stop, and I decided to add a little bit of a flair to it by then saying that one day the same things she'd done to me would happen to her if she kept on going. It helped a lot.

Not even a couple of weeks she started doing it again, this time she would just tell me to give up and insist I wouldn't have had a chance with Peter. Her words went deep into my skin and I started to think that I was being annoying for texting him too much. Near the end of the year was the time I started to have intrusive thoughts of harming myself due to feeling like there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I did.

One Sunday morning, I stayed a bit after class to help the teacher organize some stuff. We chatted for a bit. That later became a habit of staying after class to ask her questions about God and our faith. The more she explained it the more invested I became in learning about the catholic faith. There was one instance when I was walking to my parent's car, I felt as if someone was looking at me, so I turned to see. It was some other building across the church, at first, I thought nothing of it, but then saw two dudes talking among themselves. One of them was Peter. I thought to myself "Interesting, he's probably waiting for his ride or something."

The rest of the year was spent grieving for my friend, yet having hope, and the feeling of my heart fluttering was as prevalent as ever.

Note: Shoutout to my confirmation teacher btw, she has made a huge impact on me by being passionate about God and his church. Bless her soul.

Another note: When id talk about Peter, I'd always mention how I saw potential in him. Everyone called me crazy and would say that he was a lost cause and that they didn't understand what I saw in him.