Den of Elari

On the day of my graduation, I wrote letters and I delivered them to Jackie and Peter. To me, It was my way of expressing my emotions and fully moving on from not only the situation that completely altered me as a human being, but from the person that changed my perspective in life, and the catalyst of the person I am today.

As I write this post, I have them both blocked, I dont know what will come of this, all I know is that they have read their letters. For Jackie, it was mean-spirited, which I regret a tad bit. It is a way of releasing my anger, but also a way to fully make her reflect on her actions without any way to escape it. For Peter, it was my gratitude towards him, a watered down, yet detailed explanation of events, and an apology.

This is the letter I gave to Peter.

" 4/22/25

I don't know where to begin with you. Not once have I spoken with you in person, at least not that I remember. But there's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time. To be very clear, I am not sending this letter to stroke that huge ego of yours. I am writing this for my own sake. Whether you already knew this or not, I wanted to make this very clear. You changed my life. In fact, you played an important role in my return to God.

For context, in freshman year I worshipped the devil, was a lesbian, and was very depressed. I planned on ending my own life. I didn't intend to eat anything but Eli kept nagging me to get some chicken nuggets, so I did, and we split them amongst each other. I intended for those chicken nuggets to be my last meal, but suddenly I saw a speck of spit and saw that it came from you. I was so mad that I completely forgot about ending my life, but strangely, I felt drawn to you. Over time, I realized I liked you, but not romantically like I do with girls, but in a different, warm way. My friends teased me, and I thought I had a crush, but in reality, I was confused.

Mind you, during all this, I was still a devil worshipper and would say downright blasphemous things at that lunch table. Hearing the people I surrounded myself with talk about God made me feel uncomfortable, to me he was a tyrannical God who tortured his creation for his enjoyment. I would get rid of anything remotely religious by throwing them away as an act of "rebellion." Suddenly I realized that almost every interaction with my friends at the time had something to do with God. It horrified me but then I wondered if it was a sign of some sort.

In 2022, I decided to test my beliefs. During lunch, I prayed for a sign from God — and shortly after, I saw a girl walking towards the lunch table go up to you and asked you your stance on abortion. I do not remember your exact response, but seeing you argue with her was such a spectacle–I was in awe of how you defended your stance. At that moment I felt a strong conviction–I started to feel guilty for all the Bibles I had burned, the religious things that I defiled, the witchcraft that I had done, and my devotion to the devil. That night, I wept, seeing myself as a monster who was irredeemable, a putrid, wicked soul who was destined to burn in hell.

I found your Instagram, and we started talking. I confided in Jackie about my feelings, but she later urged me to give up, saying "Just because," and dismissed my emotions. One day, Jackie goes up to me and suggests a way for me to forget about you—and that is to be like the person I was before, but he committed suicide a week before. Just hearing her talk about my dead friend in this way made me feel so disrespected. Eventually, I had enough and kindly asked her to stop, but a couple of weeks later she started doing it again, this time insisting that I was a weirdo and that you hated me. Her words went deep into my skin and I started to think that I was being annoying for texting you too much. Near the end of the year, I started to have intrusive thoughts of harming myself due to feeling like there was something wrong with me for feeling the way I did towards you. I asked her kindly, once again to stop, but she persisted. This cycle would repeat until 2024, and the more this persisted the more my mental health declined.

, During all this, i was taking my confirmation classes. I sat in church one day, reflecting on how much I’d changed. I never thought of it that much, but having such a radical change out of nowhere seemed bizarre to me. Then it hit me — it all started with that interaction you had with that girl about a year earlier. I felt so many emotions when I realized this. Was what I felt for you just admiration? How would you feel knowing that you made such an impact on someone?

When I found out that y'all got together I didn't even think much of it, I didn't even realize that Jackie had done all the stuff to me in order to win your affection. When I did, I felt a mix of rage and denial. I became so angry, and depressed, that I felt like I had no control over my life since then. I tried to heal, but instead, I went through stress-induced psychosis. I had auditory hallucinations telling me I deserved what happened and that I should be dead. I woke up with scratches on my body, I was filled with despair, trying to feel anything else. I carried this pain alone for months. I spent the whole summer break believing that I was a freak. I thought it would be different, of course—you were a boy. Is it more normalized in society? Is it not? But all I experienced was disdain. That's why on August 7th, 2024, I was on the brink of going through another suicide attempt, but then I clenched my hands in desperation and prayed to God and told Him that I'd rather suffer than feel any romantic attraction towards anyone. The next day when I saw you in the hallways, I no longer felt that long, familiar flutter in the heart, just what I would describe as pure emptiness.

Since then, I’ve struggled to find genuine joy, and each new wave of pain feels unbearable. I want to forgive Jackie, but her indifference to all this enrages me—she hurt me deeply, made me think I was unlovable, and manipulated me into spiraling into denial and self-harm to win your affection. The boy who helped me find faith almost broke me. How can she not feel remorse? Does she bury her guilt? That's why I posted what I did on Instagram. Not only was it a cry for help, but a way to get the fact that she hurt me to such a degree through her head.

I know you have probably heard of me saying hurtful things about you. Just know — I never truly meant any of it. I was—and still am— in denial of the fact that God chose you of all people to transform me into the person I am today. I'm sorry for any stress I have caused. I'm especially sorry for dragging you into that fiasco that occurred almost a month ago. It was very immature of me to name-drop you in that horrific rant I posted on Instagram, and I'm sorry for joking about how I was going to “kill” you. I don't know why I even put the middle name “de dios” for you. I don't even know if you have a middle name.

Ruben, I want you to have a long, happy life. You impacted me in a way no one ever has before and I am forever grateful for that.

Thank you, and I'm sorry.

P.S. Please, for the love of God, stop with the mysterious stuff — you’re not Batman "