Every day I'm becoming more hopeful for the future, but there is a vice holding me back: self-loathing.

I still have the things I've been told from my childhood engraved in my brain. It's hard loving myself, especially with my sexuality. At times, I wonder if it's even worth it being a Christian if im going to be like this. A lesbian

Do you hate me? Do you hate me God?

I feel like I failed you.

Do you love me?

Sometimes I worry so much about whether or not God loves me that I cry over it. I repeat these things in my mind like a mantra. A couple of days ago I was crying while in bed, muttering these same things under my breath until it became incoherent.

Once I calmed down from my breakdown I had a random thought of sorts. I remembered the crucifixion of Christ, The Passion. How he suffered when he was abandoned by the apostles, faced ridicule, was whipped, mocked, and the last hours he spent on the cross. He suffered mentally, physically, and spiritually in ways that one can't imagine. That's when I realized that he suffered all these things out of love for humanity. His wounds, his sacrifice, embody God's ultimate act of love by reconciling humanity with himself, conquering sin and death, giving meaning to our suffering, and lastly, the gift of eternal life, which is received through faith.

I felt an overwhelming peace despite being so confused about why I randomly thought about the crucifixion. If God doesn't look at me with disgust, but with pure, everlasting love, Why should I loathe myself?