2023. (My memory is horrible when it comes to 2023, prepare yourself for any big gaps. I'll add notes later when I remember anything. Might I add that I had multiple manual breakdowns while writing this one, sorry if it's' incoherent.)

The first month was just normal, going to school, and still texting Peter. February 14th came along, and my friend pressured me to confess my feelings towards him, i tried writing a letter, but I physically could not write how much I seemed to "love" him. I could just write "I think I have feelings", "just thought I'd tell you," and "I dont care if you feel the same." However one of my friends texted him about my "feelings" for him and he declined, but that he still wanted to be friends. My friend was ready to comfort me when he declined, but I felt nothing. Surprisingly, he said yes to being a friend, I beat myself too much by thinking that I was bothering him and that my mind thought that he was lying. I still have that letter.

The rest of the school year was the same, going to school, talking to my friends, working on myself, and still texting him. I wish I could give examples of what I'd talk about in those chats but I DO NOT wanna go back and see them. Just thinking of it makes me want to tear my heart out.

I cannot remember the exact month, but our confirmation program required us to go to confession before we went on a retreat the next day, which would last about 8 hours. The entire class got in a line, saying that I was nervous while waiting for my turn is an understatement, I was horrified. My confirmation teacher comforted me, and one of the directors told me that it would be fine. He commented how I seemed to not "sin much." I was stunned, if only he knew what I was doing before.

The confession took place in a room that was lit up by one singular lamp. There was a confessional screen and a place for us to kneel, so the priest couldn't see me unless I decided to sit on the chair that was on the opposite corner of where he was. I kneeled in front of the confessional screen and confessed my sins. My voice shook and I almost cried as I listed all the things I had done from the last time I was there until that very moment. Once I was absolved of my sins, I felt as if all of my burdens had been lifted from my shoulders I went up to my confirmation teacher and told her that I confessed my sins, I felt pure excitement, and so much joy. (Note: When I was done listing my sins the priest did a long sigh, I guess he couldn't believe what came out of my mouth)

I then sat on the pews, reminiscing on how much I've changed as a person. Then a thought popped up. "how?" I never thought of it that much, but having such a radical change out of nowhere seemed bizarre to me. At that moment I realized something, It all started over that interaction Peter had with that girl about a year by then.

Am I here because of Peter?!

I felt my heart drop when I came to that realization. I felt like I was going to cry. Was what I felt for him just admiration? Did I watch the entirety of Naruto as a way of saying thanks to him? How would someone feel about making such an impact on someone? Am I going crazy? I prayed for him that night, for him to be closer to God and to be happy as long as he lived.

The next day was our retreat. The entire class spent about 8 hours doing activities and such. Halfway through we got letters from our teachers and parents. My mom wrote one for me, on it, she wrote about how much she loved me. My confirmation teacher comforted me as I sobbed uncontrollably.

I cannot remember what else happened, besides having to take finals and going to confirmation classes the next day for our final class before we took a break until mid-September to begin our second year of classes. And yes, I still texted Peter until randomly stopped during the summer.

During summer break, I was trying to stop watching pornography. I try forgetting about it, trying to limit my screen time, but no matter what I did my desires got the best of me. Each time I'd stumble, I'd be filled with so much regret. Around that time I started praying to the rosary again. This was when I had my first weird experience.

In my gallery, there is a doll that I said was "probably haunted." Well, the night I prayed the rosary I had sleep paralysis. I felt a tingling sensation in my body and felt as if a hand was against my body, slowly roaming around. I felt uncomfortable and tried everything to get myself out of it, but then I felt my hand grip on something, and it felt like a long, cold finger. I was horrified and tried to get out of my paralytic episode and I heard something, or rather a thought that seemed to penetrate my mind. It claimed that it would destroy me if I continued pursuing the rosary, and then it mentioned that it would come back as a doll and make my life hell. The following morning my mom said she was going to clean the old house we had where we would keep stuff, that's where my mom found the doll and asked me if I wanted it. I felt my heart drop in pure horror but took the doll back to my room sprinkled holy water on it, and placed it on a shelf where I keep all of my old toys and plushies since it was a doll I had when I was younger until it mysteriously disappeared one day.

Junior year was normal in the first months. I talked to all my friends, went to my classes, tried to get myself out of my porn addiction. There was some drama in the first few months due to some relationship but that's beside the point because thanks to that situation I now have my best friend :)

October is when things started to change. My professor had the class write a descriptive essay, which was defining a word in our way. Basically a lore drop. I wrote about being independent and talked about my abuse at the hands of my kindergarten teacher, my work ethic, and finally, how I wanted to kill myself in freshman year and went into detail about what stopped me. I was in math class fooling around with a friend of mine when I got called to the counselor's office.

"Wow girl, I can hear you walking the halls with those boots" I felt embarrassed and pretended that I didn't hear her. She then asked me if I was okay due to what I was writing for my assignment. I explained to her that it was just a rundown of my life. She then told me that she would call my mom regarding the essay. I begged her not to but to no avail. The ride back home was awkward.

After a while, I decided to message Peter again. It only lasted a while. I dont even remember. I think it was about learning Japanese and my progress on it. I think he asked why I was learning it, I do not remember what I responded with. That was a year ago. I gave up after that since messaging him was getting me nowhere, and I started to believe the crap Jackie was telling me.

NOTE: Jackie and pretty much everyone I knew would continue with their crap and by that point, I gave up, but I was still conflicted over my feelings for Peter, so I started begging God to take it away.

Note: my confirmation teacher knew about my attraction towards him, she found it cute. She is the few people in real life who knows just how much he impacted me.