If I were to tell my past self on exactly January 31st of 2024 during physics class what would happen from then until now, she would convulse in fear.

Looking back from then until now, I have changed completely. Back in January, I had hope for the future, but now im scared of it, I wish I was young again to undo the things I have done in the past. I had my plans set: what college I would go to, my future job, devoting myself to God completely, but now I am confused and always overthinking about how I would regret my career path, and I feel as if God has left me in the struggle.

Sometimes I would worry about my future, specifically my love life. At times I would wonder how it would feel to wake up with a girl next to me, cook meals for her, hear her talk, hear her laugh. I would always feel like I was in a constant fight with my faith and sexuality. I still couldn't grapple with me Catholic Church's teaching on same-sex relationships and the fact that I'll most likely be single for the rest of my life. At times I would be filled with so much despair at the thought of being alone because deep down I have a deep longing for the love of another woman.

Many Catholics treated me as if I was contaminated in some way because of my attraction toward women. I was scared of my parents finding out about my sexuality. I had so many things I wanted to say yet couldn't without having to fear for my safety. It felt so isolating. I wanted someone to help me with these emotions, so I came out confirmation teacher. I remember trembling in fear as I told her, thinking that she was going condemn me for something that I had no control over, but her words were reassuring. I almost cried right then and there. Since that day I'd walk with her while on my way to mass to speak with her about the catholic faith. She even recommended me a few books that she believed would assist me during such a complicated time in my life.

Meanwhile, at school, Jackie was still doing her thing! STILL TELLING me to give up on the guy. By then I was just fed up with the crap she was saying so I kinda kept my interactions with her to a minimum unless it was for an assignment we had for that class. I'd at times remember the things she said about my dead friend and that would make me act rather rash when interacting with her, which was bad on my part.

By that point, I was just tired of all the Peter stuff, but I couldn't seem to get him out of my head! It was like I was hyper-fixated on him for some reason. I wanted to forget about him by that point so I got on w3schools and tried learning a new coding language, which was html. I knew about Geocities beforehand but never had the chance to make an account or see what people posted, so on January 31st I made this account and with my limited knowledge managed to make the blog.

The first-month posting on here and I felt happy to be completely honest. I had a place to just put my thoughts down, some days were bad, but overall I felt relieved knowing that I didn't bottle up my thoughts like how I always have for my entire life. Plus, having my blog act as my diary ensured my safety since it was practically impossible for anyone to find out about what I wrote unless they somehow got a link to the blog. However, I did post a link to my blog when it was originally just a prayer site, I guess someone bookmarked it. I remember posting about my friend on here in a rather harsh tone, and they found out about it and confronted me about it. I decided to apologize and delete the post, and since then I have tried everything in my ability to not post in pure anger

I have nothing else to add since everything from that period was posted here, so I'll get into detail from May to August what was supposed to be my 2-week hiatus, but instead turned into what was probably stress-induced psychosis.

So when I found out about them being together I didn't even think much of it, I didn't even realize that Jackie had done all the stuff to me to get with him. I remember listening to Vocaloid out of all things when I realized that I was being manipulated the entire time. Describing what I felt at that very moment as "mad" is an understatement, it was something for sure, probably a mix of rage and denial. "All that just for a boy?" I would tell myself for weeks on end after coming to that realization. I became so angry, and depressed, that I felt like I had no control over my life since then.

I remember on the day of my confirmation when I was at the pews waiting for mass to begin, I was looking up at the large crucifix. In my mind, I kept asking: "Why now God? Why now of all times must this happen? Is this for a reason?" for an entire hour. The moment mass started, there were abundant tears, not once did they cease, not until the mass concluded. After mass, my sponsor told my parents how I cried the entire time, out of her mouth came these words: "She is very blessed, she might be destined to do great things," However my parents did belittle me for it.

Somewhere along the way, I started to use tarot cards as a means of comfort. A few days later, I was cleaning my room and suddenly I heard three knocks at my window, I assumed it was my mom who wanted me to help with the garden so I got out of my room and proceeded to walk to the front door. However, the front door was locked, so I went to the back door, and it was locked as well. I found my mom in the living room on her phone, I could hear my younger brothers playing on their i-pad, and my brother was in the kitchen eating. I then looked out of the windows to see if anyone was outside, no one was there. I went back to my room and assumed that it was probably something that fell that made the knocking noise, but then I heard three more knocks, and then three more. At that point I was so confused about what was causing the noise, so I approached my window and was going to open the blinds, that's when I felt a heavy pressure upon my body, and then I heard three knocks, but this time they were louder than before. I instinctively grabbed my bottle of holy water and sprinkled it on the window, that's when the noise stopped. This is where the thoughts of doing witchcraft/devil worship started, and yes, I would at times act on them. It was a constant back and forth between "God forgive me! I won't do it again" to " I let my intrusive thoughts get the best of me! I am a horrible human being!"

During the summer, I was paranoid as well. I would hide under the covers anytime I was in my room because I felt as if something was looking at me. Once I thought I saw a face with large eyes and an open mouth, its face all white, and I got so scared that I hid under the covers. I then realized that it was just the large piles of clothes in the corner of my bedroom. Don't even get me started with the sleep paralysis is was experiencing during that time. I would feel like something would beat me and had auditory hallucinations in which the "voice" would tell me that I deserved what she had done to me and that I would be better off dead. Sometimes I'd even wake up with scratches around my body, from my neck to my arms, to my legs. I was filled with so much despair, that I would do anything just to feel something besides it. This was when I started to self-harm and watch pornography once more. I had to deal with all the mental torture by myself for months.

And to be honest, I wish I had never done that prayer back in August, the one in which I begged God to take away what I felt for Peter because since then I felt so empty. Since then I cannot recall a single moment in this year in which I felt genuine joy. When I thought things wouldn't get worse, they did. Honestly, I cannot bear it any longer, but at times I feel a bit of hope, and that's what is keeping me from leaving this world. But most importantly, I want to make an impact in this world no matter how small or mundane it may be to some, if I at least inspire one person in some way may I die happily. At times I do wonder if all that I do will be in vain, but im just gonna have to keep living and see what else is to come.

I do want to forgive Jackie, but each time I see her I become enraged at the fact that she seems to be unfazed by what she has done to me. Indeed, she loved him so much she made me go into a deep spiral of denial to the point of self-harm and almost kill myself to achieve him. How beautiful. Whether I liked him or not does not matter, because the same boy who led me to my conversion was the same one who almost made me lose it. Peter may never know how much he has impacted me, but Jackie does.