My mom knows I'm bothered by something. She does know what the girl did but thinks I'm overreacting (she doesn't know how it affected me mentally, the last time I told her about my mental health she shamed me for it and called me weak)

She says I look less happy and more irritated than ever before. She points out that there is no joy in my eyes or in the way I speak. I'm surprised she paid attention to how I feel now, it's probably because of that phone call the counselor made to my mom about my English essay about a year ago (I wrote about how I wanted to commit suicide in freshman year! I told her that I wasn't suicidal anymore but insisted on calling my mom because of some LAW (wasn't suicidal then, but definitely am now, though slowly getting out of it I promise))

It ain't just my mom, everyone, even my friends and other family members noted this. They say I look tired, unmotivated, having too much on my mind. I try to just pretend that I'm doing well but im reality I'm not. Besides I can't tell anyone about this because the girl who hurt me is popular- (she is also the class president and the valedictorian)

When I vented to one of my friends she told me to lower it down because many of her friends were there when we talked about it, and they looked in our direction. I hate this. Can't even vent in a piece. She says that no one would believe me in what she did to me because she's well-liked by everyone, even the teachers.

im trying my best to avoid any possible triggers that might cause me to relapse, and honestly, I'm doing a terrible job! The last time I tried to "lock in" I only lasted a week or so. I have no idea how I got myself out of my depression 3 years ago, all I remember is that stupid lunch table from freshman year with the guy.

I think my first suicidal thought was when I was in 2nd grade 😭. My peers shunned me and said that I was too chubby so I starved myself hoping people would like me. That just made the teasing worse and now they started telling me that the world would be better if I just didn't exist walking around like a 'freak.' This is also where the gay accusations started and when I'd be called the f slur.

The stuff they said to me did get to my head eventually, and I started to believe that the world would indeed be a much better place if I just died. I remember when my mom would take me to bed, and I'd think in my head "Maybe tonight I'll die" and then I'd be upset that I was still on this earth.

I felt lost, I didn't want to tell my mom or anyone. So what I did was grab a Bible I had lying around and ask God for a sign. I then closed my eyes and opened it to a random page traced my finger along the pages and stopped at a random spot. I can't remember the verse man but I think it was from either Isaiah or the Psalms, but here's very similar to the one I have in memory:

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand

On that day I made a promise to God. That I'd take everything I go through with dignity, I asked him to give me the strength to continue moving forward, and that if I ever strayed away from the faith that if be led back by any means necessary.