TW// Slight Mentions of Self Harm

God, I am tired. Why am I still here

I've been dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts, especially about my past. I'm more drained than ever and im getting more angrier.

I don't get it, God. How can someone hurt me psychologically? Mentally? Spiritually even, be happy while im here dealing with the consequences of what she has done to me? Where is the justice, Lord? I feel like you have abandoned me, the same abandonment that turned me to Satanism 4 years ago just to gain back the little power I had over my life just to lose it all again.

I am hurt, I am angry. Anger is not the word to describe it. To me, what I feel goes beyond it.

How can someone who degraded me, gaslighted me into being confused over who I was, someone who tried to make me love my friend who killed himself, someone who Lead me to believe that I was unable to be loved, and made me feel like I was a freak for almost 2 years, be so damn happy?

How can someone who has stalked me on the internet, and viewed my meltdowns during the summer break not at least feel a bit of remorse? Does she even feel any? Is she burying it deep within her soul? Hoping that it would ease her regrets?

I've spent the whole summer break believing that I was a freak for my attraction to the boy. I thought it would be different, of course, it was a boy. Is it more normalized in society? Is it not? But all I heard was the same things people told me when I was attracted to a woman. That I was a freak.

The wounds go deep, mentally and physically. I was so hurt, that I felt numb, I would turn to self-harm by heating a bobby pin and pressing it into my skin, immediately regretting it right after. My intrusive thoughts kept telling me to hurt her, they started when she last talked to me. I felt my body shake in anger and just opened the room of the classroom and walked out as fast as possible to not cause a scene. I felt so betrayed.

My intrusive thoughts kept telling me to do witchcraft again as a way to get back at her. It's horrible, everyday I have dealt with intrusive thoughts. I'm trying everything in my power to stop watching porn, but to me, it's like a drug, the only way I'm able to even feel something besides just melancholy, just pure pleasure.

Out of nowhere, they eventually became thoughts about Satan. Thoughts about worshipping him again, of denying the holy spirit just to spite God. They heavily emphasized revenge, that if I started worshipping Satan again I would finally get justice for what she did to me.

A couple of months ago, August 7th to be exact, I was on the brink of burning myself again, but then I clenched my hands in desperation and prayed to God to never fall in love again. I'd rather suffer than feel any romantic attraction towards anyone. That I'd rather brawl with the devil himself. The next day when saw him, I no longer felt that long, familiar flutter in the heart, just what I would describe as pure emptiness.

Was what I feeling towards him? Was it love? Admiration? A weird obsession? Lust!? Was I just forcing myself to like him because I wanted to be straight!? GOD, I feel as if I have been left confused by those around me. What im more confused about is how this led me to become who I am today, from a theistic Satanist to a catholic all because he stood up for what he believed in.

Mentally and spiritually I am at my worst. I feel like I can't move forward honestly. Somehow, despite feeling like this. Amidst hopelessness and apathy, I feel a speck of hope within me urging me to move forward.