i forgot to change the name my bad, anyways...

TW/CW: Suicide.

The school here sucks. There have been I think a total of 4 classmates who have killed themselves from freshman year till now. What's worse? most of the time the teachers knew that they were gonna do something, they just dont speak about it/ignore it completely. until it's too late. I had one friend die from suicide. I miss him almost every day. I can remember where I was on that day.

So, this was around mid-October of 2022. it was a Sunday and it was raining on that day that's for sure. My dad wanted to take us out to eat but the wain just got worse. so we had to cover ourselves with towels as we ran to the car. I remember ordering some pancakes on that day, thinking nothing of it. I would just go out to eat, go to confirmation classes, go home, and be in my room playing Pokemon.

But when I was getting ready I heard my brother call me to the kitchen. I thought nothing of it.

"You Know Bug's younger brother?'"

I was confused, who was this person that my brother was talking about, and who was their young brother? I thought that he was going crazy... He's probably gonna ask me if I could get something from them or something

"You dont know him? His younger brother died"

Huh? I was stunned when I heard that come out of his mouth. What happened? And who was their younger brother? Can't my brother just tell me? I asked him who he was but he just told me his last name. I was getting more frustrated by the second trying to figure out who this mysterious person was. I spent like 5 minutes screaming at my brother to just tell me until it finally dinged.

Hunter. he was talking about my friend Hunter. he shot himself in the chest and has been at the hospital since Saturday.

It felt like the whole world stopped. I just stood there while my brother showed me the texts of his friend group giving condolences to Hunter's brother. I thought it was just a dream, maybe this whole thing was a nightmare. maybe I'll wake up and he'll still be alive. But this was reality, he was at the hospital, but by then no one knew whether he was dead or alive. I wanted to cry. but no tears flowed out of my eyes. I was just in my room sitting on the side of the bed, looking down at the floor. It was getting late so my mom took me to church. dont even know why, but my mom thought it would be an amazing idea to drive by his home after hearing the news and I couldn't help but feel the urge to cry when I saw a car in the driveway along with what seemed to be trash bags filled with furniture.

I do not remember anything else that happened on that day I just felt like a zombie. I was messaging my friends about his whereabouts.. no one knew yet, but we hoped that he would recover from his attempt. I sought the rosary for comfort, as it seemed to stand out to me while I looked at my nightstand. It was a white rosary, a rosary given to me by my confirmation teacher to hopefully inspire my classmates and me to pray, I felt that even though I could not do anything, maybe the holy mother could help soothe our sorrows. I set up a pillow, downloaded an app to follow the rosary, and recited it fully. While I prayed I couldn't help but cry the first time. Then I prayed for him a second time. I prayed to God to comfort my friend and his family during that troubling time.

The next day, my old friend and I went to our first-period class, which was where we had Hunter. We sat down, not uttering. a single word. I broke the silence of the room, asking my friend if she thought he was going to recover. And then we heard the keys, the door of the class opened, and the superintendent and the vice principal came in. The Vice principal seemed saddened, he went to the front of the class and announced Hunter's passing. My heart sank. I couldn't believe it, he was gone, and I would never see him again, my friend cried, and almost everyone there cried, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get the tears that swelled in my eyes to be released. The second period wasn't any better, his childhood friend was there, sobbing uncontrollably. Even the teacher was crying. We didn't do any work that day, just pure mourning. Then, the teacher, said that she was sorry. sorry that she didn't do anything in time to prevent this tragedy. She explained that she let the students do a free write the week before, and by chance, Hunter was in that class and wrote a poem, and turned it in for a grade. According to her, the poem contained suicidal ideation, and how he was going to commit suicide. She tried to communicate with his mother about it to get him help, and they were planning to, but it was too late. She kept saying sorry, for not acting faster. She then got out of the classroom, and we were left alone.

Later that week, we got sent home early as it was his funeral on that day. I begged my mom to let me go with my friend, but she didn't really listen to me and instead bought ice cream to get my mind off of it. Later, I found out that there was a balloon release at the park where he would always go to hang out with his friends. I was the first one there, and there was a woman there who was getting the balloons ready, I volunteered to give them out to anyone who came. Many people came to the balloon release, we ran out of the balloons we had! Once the balloon release was over everyone else pretty much went their ways. Some of my friends went to the pizza place to commemorate him, some stayed at the park. I went home, gazing at the yellow and blue balloons as they slowly disappeared from my view.

After all that I went to the counselor to vent about it, how I felt like I didn't see the signs, and how I always tried my best to be there to comfort him when he was in distress. I was almost crying in there man, the only thing stopping me was how she looked at me intently, just prolonged eye contact. Everyone else seemed to move on, but I didn't, it took me a while. It was a mixture of anger and dread, I kept hearing some of my classmates saying stuff about him, such as how he missed the heart, how he was odd, and some even said that they were glad he was gone. I then stayed in a classroom during lunch, along with his other friends as a small support group. It was fun, yet saddening, each time I'd tried to talk to hopefully connect with them they'd shut me out, so I was silent most of the time...

I can't remember the rest of the classes, I can't remember anything else from Sophmore year, all I remember is my friend. I miss him. I wish I could see you again just one more time, Hunter... I wish I could just play with your hair like how I'd always do, as it was soothing for you, or maybe even watch you play Pokemon showdown. If only

I still remember the last thing he asked me, word for word, the day before his attempt.

"Elari, I have a serious question. do you still like me. or do you like Ruben"?